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Sick of Being Single?

Laura Richer, Seattle Therapist

Feb 13, 2018

Try These 7 Sexy Shifts in Thinking to Be Irresistible on the Dating Scene

I work with some of the most amazing women. Really! They are stunning both inside and out. They have successful careers and interesting hobbies, they are intelligent and funny, and they have wonderful personal relationships with friends and family. However, what these women have in common is that they’re struggling to find “the one.” Although this is a frustrating and painful experience for them, I know that they could shift out of toxic relationship patterns and release dead-end relationships if they would just change their minds. I am serious! That’s it. It’s so easy. If you find yourself in the same position, try these seven sexy shifts in thinking to eliminate the most sabotaging mindsets in dating so that you can attract the love you really want.

Watch and listen to Laura’s hit monthly radio show, On the Verge Radio, where she discusses this topic in full! Check it out.

Sexy Shifts #1

#1: I Am Strong

You are not made of China, so let go of the belief that you are fragile. This mindset—“I can’t take another heart break” or “I’ve been hurt too many times before” or “I won’t be able to love again” or “If I’m disappointed one more time, I’ll end up in the psych ward”—is just not true. For starters, let’s look at the reason why you developed this false belief in the first place. You have been hurt before. I totally get it, and it sucks. Someone broke your heart and left you to be an Oreo-eating zombie for weeks, maybe even years, before you could put the pieces back together. You’ve been cheated on, lied to, and had your finances bled dry—whatever it was, it hurt.

And then what happened? You pulled it together and moved on. I bet you’ve done it a few times in your life.

The belief that you can’t sustain a broken heart or disappointment will lead to chasing the wrong person, settling for less than you want, tolerating behavior that doesn’t work for you, and, ultimately, another failed relationship because that belief leads to holding on to situations that don’t work just for the sake of not having to deal pain. That might work in the short term, but in the long run, you’ll find yourself in the same toxic relationship again because your mindset is rooted in fear.

Of course, we don’t want to be hurt! But if you are, you can handle it. You have started businesses, raised children, and run marathons. Why in the world would letting go of a partner—who DOES NOT meet your expectations—destroy you?

Here’s the secret to surviving anything: Possess the unshakeable belief that you’ve got you. You can trust that you love you enough to take the best care of you no matter what happens. You are safe to be vulnerable in the world and take a chance on a relationship because if it doesn’t work out, YOU will take care of you by nurturing and loving you. Self-love is pretty much the answer to everything.

Your Dating Mantra: I am safe and empowered to explore new relationships because I’ve got me.

Sexy Shifts #2

#2: I Am Perfect

Stop telling yourself the same old story. I’m too old or too fat. No one wants to date someone with kids. My career is to too big. Men don’t like women who are funny or opinionated. The truth is, you are not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s great news, because it only takes one. You are looking for the one who you will be compatible with, who shares your values, and who has interests and goals in common with you. The one who loves and accepts you!

Rumi says, “Whatever you are seeking is seeking you.” Your person is not going to find you if you are trying to be someone you are not. Moreover, you don’t want to spend a lifetime playing a role to fit into someone else’s expectations, so why bother? That’s a lot of work and not a lot of fun. Be yourself and the right people will show up. “But what about that guy who says men only want a 20-something gal with buns of steel, and women over a certain age are undesirable?” you ask. Let him go! I won’t bother psychoanalyzing him here, but just take my word for it, and move on. He is not who you are looking for (because he’s not looking for you either).

Your Dating Mantra: I am perfect just the way I am.

Sexy Shifts #3

#3: I Choose Similar Values and Life Vision

Open your eyes to the person you are idealizing. This one can be tough because you feel so much chemistry! You adore everything about him on the surface. He has the physical appearance, job, lifestyle, even the swagger of exactly who you imagine would be the ideal partner for you. He is so charming and witty. You love partaking in the clever banter and sexy flirting. It’s all perfect!

Well, except for a few things. He doesn’t call you when he says he will, he isn’t divorced yet, and he might not know your last name. Still it feels so good! You can’t imagine feeling this excited about anyone else. Surely, he can change. Once you prove to him how amazing you are, he will morph into a totally different person, right? Wrong.

You are attaching your happiness to one specific person who doesn’t meet any of your criteria. He is showing you that he isn’t the one for you—he might even be telling you verbally that he doesn’t want the relationship—but you have tunnel vision. While chemistry is exciting, at times it can be misleading. Another person’s behavior is about that person, and people rarely change unless they decide it’s necessary (not because you want it). If you’re dealing with someone who isn’t showing up for you, you are investing your energy in a dead-end relationship. And guess what? It’s ok to let them go! Why would you want to work so hard? Look for someone who shares the same values as you and has a similar vision for his life so that you can build something together that is satisfying to both of you.

Your Dating Mantra: I am honest with myself and accept the world as it is. I do not seek to change others who aren’t for me. I don’t idealize people. I see things for what they are not their potential.

Sexy Shifts #4

#4: I Am Worth It and Deserve the Best

You have expectations and standards, but you keep accepting less because you don’t want to ask for too much or feel that you don’t deserve them. Stop dating immediately! It’s time for a little self-work and self-love. If you’re willing to settle for less than what you want, you need to find out why and then let it go.

Whether you are looking for your life partner or a weekend fling, you have standards. If you find that you keep connecting with men who do not meet your criteria, I am going to offer you a little tough love and tell you why: Because you are allowing it.

It pains me to put the blame on you because I have been there, and I know how disappointing it can be, but it truly is on you. You are allowing people into your life who just don’t work for you. Men are showing you with their behavior or even their words that they can’t and won’t give you what you really want, but you tolerate it because deep down, you worry that what you really want is not available or you don’t deserve it. Nonsense! You deserve to be valued, respected, loved, and adored. Are you looking for a best friend, life partner, or future spouse? If the answer is yes, then please do not date another man who will not call you his girlfriend. I promise that will never yield the result you desire.

Here are some other examples of non-negotiable behavior:

  • He tells you that he’s been hurt in the past and can’t commit.
  • He likes you but he’s just not over his ex.
  • He’s SUPER busy. He may do the bare minimum to keep you engaged, so it’s confusing, but he’s never around during prime hours, such as holidays or Saturday nights.
  • He just wants to have a good time and sees no real reason to “define” it.
  • He attempts to tear you down with insults that are thinly veiled as humor, or he’s highly critical and nitpicks everything from your job to your outfit.
  • He never introduces you to his friends and family nor does he invite you to important events.
  • He’s married but has a million excuses why now is not the right time to leave, like he can’t leave his wife until the kids are out of the house (even though the kids are in their late teens or early 20s).
  • He’s lazy and never makes plans. Again this can be confusing because he’ll go if you make plans but he never initiates anything or makes an effort for you.
  • He’s hot and cold. One day, he’s pursuing you like crazy, and then he disappears for weeks.
  • He’s self-focused and accuses you of being selfish when you want to talk about something other than him.
  • He only calls or wants to get together when he’s drunk or on the way home from a night out with friends—a night out to which you were not invited.
  • He doesn’t show up because he was too drunk, or he stands you up for any reason.
  • He’s very secretive about his life and guards his phone like he’s protecting the Hope diamond.
  • He refuses to connect with you on social media and freaks out if you post a picture of the two of you together on yours.

Frankly, if he displays any behavior that feels disrespectful, stop making excuses for him! Just trust that he is not the one for you and move on. I know that he’s super charming, handsome, and the chemistry is amazing BUT the truth is: He doesn’t value you. He might have a valid reason for his inability to be your soulmate—messy divorce, bad childhood, substance abuse issues, personality disorder or mental health issues, low self-esteem, or something worse. But just because he has a good reason for bad behavior does not mean you should tolerate it. No exceptions! Bless him, wish him well, and then let him go because he does not meet your criteria. People who are irresistible know their true value. They settle for nothing less than what they really want because they know they are worth it.

Your Dating Mantra: I know my incredible value, and I accept nothing less than what I want and deserve.

Sexy Shifts #5

#5: I Am Ready for Amazing Results to Happen Naturally

We live in a masculine-energy–driven world, where we are taught to push and manipulate to make things happen. This behavior has probably brought you a lot of success at work (see work stress therapy for maintaining success at work), but relationships are a different animal. So stop managing relationships and dating like you manage your career. You’re going for very specific results and will stop at nothing to make it happen, even pushing square pegs into round holes (see #3). If it’s meant to be, it will be, not because you have forced it to be.

Relationships do not need to be forced. In fact, the good ones happen effortlessly, seemingly like magic … if you just let them. Allow your relationship to unfold naturally, and be curious about the possibilities—they might be even better than you expected. Are you fearful of something happening that doesn’t work for you? Sure, that’s a valid concern. But remember, you are strong (see #1), and you have the choice to let go at any time. Plus, forcing and managing another person is not going to prevent anything from happening; in fact, it might even cause the negative outcome you are trying to avoid. Or worse, it might scare someone away before you get the chance to discover who he really is.

Your Dating Mantra: I allow things to happen. I am confident in knowing that the right things are coming to me, and I do not need to force anything. I can allow my relationships to unfold naturally.

Sexy Shifts #6

#6: I Am Seeking an Equal Partner

Sometimes, women tend to be attracted to projects rather than partners. If you are, ask yourself why. It’s probably because you need to work on yourself instead. I promise you that you do not want a fixer-upper. Hollywood has really messed us up with this one.

It’s highly unlikely that you’re going to meet an addicted, emotionally unavailable bad boy/girl (think Jerry McGuire or Pretty Woman), rescue him, and then have him be eternally grateful as you drive away in your mini-van to live happily ever after.

Healthy relationships are between equals, not a rescuer and rescuee. Although movies portray the role of the hero as honorable and valiant, real life is a much different story. The truth is that if you are looking for a project or someone to rescue, there’s a very good chance that you’re avoiding something in yourself that needs to be addressed, most likely your self-esteem or control issues. In real life, people don’t want to be rescued or indebted to others. We all want to be valued and accepted for who we are, not changed by someone else.

Your Dating Mantra: I expect that my person will put at least as much into the relationship as I do. We are equals, and anything less will not do.

Sexy Shifts #7

#7: I Want a Significant Other

The difference between “want” and “need” is more than just the spelling. Do you feel like you need to find someone soon for whatever reason? Trying to make your ex jealous, facing a milestone birthday, hearing your biological clock ticking, becoming an empty nester … and you feel like you need to find someone ASAP? If that’s the case, then you absolutely should not be dating right now.

People who are emotionally needy and are looking for someone to comfort them because they cannot soothe themselves are not attractive to healthy individuals. As human beings, we can smell desperation a mile away, and it’s always a turn off. And if you happen to find someone who isn’t totally turned off by your desperation and is willing to be your emotional Band-Aid, how will you know if you even like him? Maybe you’re just settling for whatever warm body shows up because you don’t want to be alone and, in doing so, are missing a ton of red flags. This is the stuff that toxic relationships are made of!

Fall in love with you and your own life first. The old cliché turns out to be true: You can’t love anyone else until you truly love yourself first. Choose someone who you WANT to be with not who you NEED to be with—and vice versa. Relationships based on need lead to resentment and are just not fun!

Your Dating Mantra: I trust that the right things show up right on time. I am whole and complete and choose to interact only with people who enhance my life experience. I don’t need to be fixed.

Other readings to help with your potential partner.

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