You’ve probably heard someone in your life describe a coworker as their work wife or work husband. It may have even been you! While not everyone loves the terms work wife, work husband, and work spouse, these terms describe an important relationship people have on the job, one that some people find essential.
Having a work spouse may do wonders for how you feel about the job, but it can impact your romantic relationship, sometimes negatively. Though work spouse relationships are platonic, they often have deep emotional bonds that can create discord between you and your romantic partner.
So, what are the benefits and disadvantages of having a work spouse? What red flags should you watch out for, and how can you balance a work spouse with your romantic partner?
What Is a Work Spouse?
Despite the name, “work spouse” describes a platonic friendship between two coworkers. Unlike the typical camaraderie or even friendships you may develop with work colleagues, the bond between two work spouses goes deeper. They often share supportive, trusting bonds, helping each other get through every day in their particular work environment. Work spouses may collaborate frequently on projects, share private jokes, or vent to each other in ways they may not with other coworkers. Not everyone has a work spouse, but for those who do, the work spouse often becomes indispensable and plays a key role in being happy at work.
What Are the Benefits of a Work Spouse?
Not everyone loves the title “work spouse,” but for some, the positive benefits of having a deep connection with a coworker outweigh any other consideration. A work spouse is:
- Someone supportive. A work spouse can provide practical support, helping you get tasks done or be emotional support during stressful times at work.
- A sounding board. Not every idea is great (and sometimes you just need to vent). A work spouse is a trusted sounding board you need to test an idea or just let it all out.
- Validates your experience. Because you and your work spouse are at the same company, you both probably feel, see, and experience the same things. When you need to talk about it, no one understands quite like your work spouse does, which sometimes is exactly what you need.
What Are the Downsides of Having a Work Spouse Relationship?
While your work spouse relationship can play a significant role in how you feel about your job, there are some downsides to this on-the-job relationship.
- Misunderstood. Even when your relationship is platonic, the subtext may be that you’re more than work besties outside of the job.
- Can become a target. Coworkers may gossip about you and your work spouse, making it more difficult to form relationships with people other than your work spouse.
- May damage your career. Having a go-to person at work is helpful. But when you rely on only one person, you may not network and build connections with others in your field, which could hinder your career goals.
Can a Work Spouse Relationship Harm Your Romantic Relationship?
One other downside of having a work spouse relationship is that it can negatively impact your romantic relationship. Even if you and your work spouse never become physical and don’t have an emotional affair, the close emotional bond you share with your work spouse can become a source of tension and stress in your romantic relationship.
We spend 40 hours a week (give or take) at work each week. That may not sound like much, given there are 168 hours in a week. But many people spend additional hours each week commuting to and from work, plus we all have to sleep. When you think about how much time we spend with our coworkers compared to our loved ones, it really starts to add up.
This is especially true if there’s been infidelity in your relationship. While you can recover, a work spouse could place significant and unnecessary stress while you learn to rebuild the mutual trust in your relationship.
Your work spouse relationship may be vital to your career happiness. But if you’re placing that relationship ahead of your romantic one, you risk losing your partner. Red flags that indicate you may be putting your work spouse first include:
- Overcommunicating. You’re calling, texting, and chatting with your work spouse more than anyone else outside of work hours.
- Defensiveness. When your partner or a colleague questions what “the deal” is with you and your work spouse, you become defensive, dismissive, or emotional.
- Secrecy. To avoid conflict or questions, you hide or lie about how often you communicate with your work spouse.
- Comparing. You’re comparing your work spouse to your romantic partner, and the work spouse is coming out ahead.
- Oversharing. You’ve shared personal or intimate information with your work spouse, whether that’s about you or your romantic partner.
To be clear, these are red flags to look out for. It doesn’t mean you’ve cheated on your partner or that this is even micro cheating or an emotional affair. However, if even one of these is familiar, it may be time to step back and reassess your work spouse relationship.
Is Your Work Spouse Impacting Your Relationship?
This quiz is designed to help you reflect on the relationship with your work spouse and how it may be impacting your romantic relationship.
This quiz is for informational purposes only and is not a diagnostic tool. It can help you reflect on your relationships and whether individual or couples therapy might be beneficial for you. For a professional assessment, please schedule a consultation with one of our therapists.
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How to Balance a Work Spouse Relationship With Your Romantic Relationship
Your romantic relationship is important to you, but your work spouse may be all that’s keeping you from quitting your job. But you don’t have to choose one over the other. Here’s how to balance a work spouse and romantic relationship.
Tell Your Partner About Them
Be open and honest with your partner about your work spouse relationship. Let them know who the person is, how you do and don’t feel about them, and how they’re helping you on the job. Don’t hold back the details and answer your partner’s questions honestly.
On the flip side, though, don’t talk about them too much. While your work spouse may play a key role in supporting you at work, constantly talking about all the things you and your work spouse did all day could create tension, instead of easing it.
Validate Their Feelings
You and your work spouse may have no romantic feelings for each other now or ever, but the relationship can still be very intense. When you share a boss you hate or a job that forces you to travel or work long hours, you’re bound to share certain experiences with your work spouse that you just won’t have with your romantic partner. Even though it’s part of the job, their work environment — and the intense bond that results from it — could lead to feelings of jealousy or insecurity.
Talk to your partner about their concerns. Acknowledge their feelings without becoming defensive or accusing your partner of being irrational or crazy. Then ask your partner what you can to make them feel more comfortable with the relationship and follow through with those requests.
Set and Enforce Boundaries
Just like you set and enforce healthy boundaries with your romantic partner, do the same with your work spouse. Tell your work spouse they can’t text you after a certain time, and if they do, don’t respond. Set aside a date night for your romantic partner and focus solely on them. If you have to work on the weekend, OK, it happens, but try to keep it to a minimum.
These boundaries have to be realistic, though. For example, if you’re a doctor, getting texts or pages in the middle of the night is common, even expected. It may be perfectly reasonable for your work spouse to contact you then, so make sure you and your romantic partner agree on the boundaries.
Don’t Tell Your Work Spouse Everything
While open and honest is the rule for your romantic relationship, the same is not true for your work spouse. You can and should talk about your spouse, but not about the things you should keep private. Your work spouse and romantic partner will likely cross paths one day, and the last thing you want is your work spouse asking your partner about something that should have been kept private.
Find Balance
For some, their work spouse is one of their most important work relationships. It helps them enjoy their time on the job and creates a safe space where they know they can give and get honest feedback they may not get from their boss or other coworkers.
Your work spouse may be important to you, and that’s OK. But if you find yourself placing your work spouse relationship in front of your romantic relationship, you may need to take a step back and reassess both relationships to find clarity and strike the right balance.
If you or your partner is having trouble balancing your personal relationship with your work spouse, we can help. The caring, compassionate team at Anchor Light Therapy can help you and your partner improve your communication, understand each other, and build a stronger foundation for your relationship. Contact us today to schedule your free consultation.
