Resentment In Relationships

Resentment is a mix of negative feelings and uncomfortable emotions. It’s an intense emotional response that takes a considerable toll emotionally and physically, and can happen in any relationship, but it often happens between romantic couples.

Lingering resentments can fester, destroying the core of your relationship. But you and your partner can overcome and even resolve your resentments.

What Is Resentment?

Resentment is an intense emotional response to a perceived injustice, slight, or series of unfortunate or frustrating circumstances. It’s best thought of as a secondary emotion that grows over time. A seemingly minor incident occurs, but the circumstances surrounding it are never addressed. What was mildly irritating can snowball into resentment due to feeling ignored or dismissed..

For example, your partner is supposed to take out the trash on garbage night, but manages to forget more often than they remember. You remind your partner about it regularly, ask them to set a reminder on their phone, and even say something on garbage night, yet they still forget to do it.

What starts as something minor (they forget to take out the trash) festers. You may feel unheard, like your partner is intentionally ignoring your requests. Or that they aren’t prioritizing remembering this task and, by extension, you. As these negative emotions go unaddressed, your annoyance grows into resentment, creating an emotional distance between you and your partner.

What Does Resentment in Relationships Look Like?

Resentment in relationships can take many forms. It may be physical. You always tense up when they’re around or turn away from them when they sit or stand next to you. It may be emotional, and you always feel angry, irritated, or frustrated with your partner, or vice versa. And it may be all-encompassing. Every single thing they do bugs you.

Other ways resentment in relationships manifests include:

• One partner is gaslighting, stonewalling, or being passive-aggressive
• Every sentence seems to start with “You never,” or “You always”
• You talk poorly about your partner behind their back or make fun of them
• After any kind of conflict, you give your partner the silent treatment or go out of your way to avoid them

What Causes Resentment in Relationships?

Resentment in relationships starts as a form of self-protection. Something happened, and you didn’t feel heard or that you mattered. Resentment helps us make sense of this pain. It reminds us that we were hurt and to be on guard for the same situation or behaviors. But it becomes a problem when everything your partner says and does is suspect and looks like proof they aren’t willing to change.

At the same time, we may get into the habit of hoping our partner changes without us having to address the underlying concerns out loud. Your pain doesn’t go away by ignoring it, and a lack of change from your partner leads to further resentment.

Some of the more common behaviors and patterns that can lead to resentment in a relationship include:

• Betrayal. Whether it’s financial, sexual, or emotional, being betrayed and ignoring the fallout creates resentment.
• Disrespectful behavior. Behaving disrespectfully toward one another can create hard feelings that grow into resentment. This could be as simple as name-calling or more complex, like not respecting each other’s boundaries.
• Misaligned goals, priorities, and expectations. It’s possible you both started the relationship on the same page. But, over time, your goals and priorities diverged. That happens as people grow, but ignoring those changes or refusing to discuss them will breed resentment.
• Poor or nonexistent communication. When one partner wants to discuss things but the other doesn’t, or when both partners have a hard time actively listening, resentment will crop up because no one feels like they’re being heard, and nothing changes.
• Unresolved trauma. Carrying childhood trauma into adulthood and relationships can create a barrier that causes other poor behaviors to happen. While not dealing with the trauma may not be the cause of the resentment, it can be the root issue that leads to other problems and must be dealt with.

How to Prevent Resentment in Relationships

Resentment shakes the foundation of your relationship and threatens its security. It erodes the emotional safety you both need and creates distance, defensiveness, and loneliness. But there are steps you can take to avoid creating resentment in the first place.

Get to the Bottom of Things

First, you need to identify why you feel resentful. While your gut instinct may say you harbor resentment because your partner always forgets garbage night, the underlying issue may be the true cause of your resentment.

Does it feel like your partner takes advantage of you because they keep forgetting about the garbage? Do you end up taking it out yourself with a passive-aggressive comment on your way out the door? Does this make you feel unappreciated?

These can be difficult emotions to deal with, but identifying the root cause of your resentment is the first step toward letting go of it.

Have an Honest Conversation

A healthy relationship starts with healthy communication. Open and frank conversations with your partner about why you feel resentment can go a long way toward healing. But while explaining how their actions upset you, be careful not to place blame and let your partner know exactly how they let you down. It can lead to your partner feeling attached and prevent any productive conversation.

Rather than saying, “You hurt my feelings when you did X,” try saying, “When you did X, I felt unappreciated, and that left me feeling sad because I really needed some validation from you at that moment.”

Resolve to Do Better

Meaningful change takes time, and communication can help prevent resentment before it starts. Agree to discuss upsetting events as they’re happening instead of shutting down and letting resentment fester and grow.

For example, if your partner forgets to take the garbage out, speak up as it’s happening and explain how it makes you feel. Together, you may be able to find a solution that works for both of you.

Set Boundaries

Finally, setting and enforcing boundaries can help prevent resentment before it starts.

Take stock of your boundaries and what you need to feel loved and supported. Then let your partner know what that is, where the boundary lies, and enforce it when your needs aren’t being met.

Moving Past Resentment

While resentment may feel like a healthy coping mechanism, it doesn’t fade with time. If it’s ignored and never dealt with, it can lead to more resentment, damaging your relationship further. Resentment only changes when it’s seen, understood, and addressed.

If you’ve tried to work out your differences or you still find yourself feeling resentful in a relationship, the team at Anchor Light Therapy is here to help. Our skilled couples therapists can help you stop the self-blame, blame game, or whatever is contributing to the resentment in your relationship.

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