Resentment is a mix of negative feelings and uncomfortable emotions like anger, disappointment, embarrassment, and shame. It arises when we feel we’ve been unfairly treated in any relationship, but it often happens between couples.
This intense emotional response can take a considerable toll, but fortunately, you and your partner can overcome and even resolve your resentments. So, if you find yourself feeling resentful toward your partner or you think your partner is resentful of you, it may be time to talk to a couples counselor.
What Is Resentment?
Resentment is an intense emotion. It arises in response to a perceived injustice, slight, or due to a series of unfortunate or frustrating circumstances. The initial event is usually something small. However, when the circumstances of that event aren’t dealt with, or no one apologizes for what happened, what starts as mildly irritating can snowball into a more significant negative emotion, like resentment.
What Does Resentment in a Relationship Look Like?
Resentment in relationships can take many forms. Some of the negative behaviors that indicate relationship resentment are:
- One partner engages in gaslighting or passive-aggressive behavior toward the other.
- You always feel angry, irritated, or frustrated with your partner, or they are always angry, irritated, or frustrated with you.
- Every sentence seems to start with “You never” or “You always.”
- You talk poorly about your partner behind their back.
- You make fun of your partner.
- You give your partner the silent treatment or go out of your way to avoid them.
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What Causes Resentment in a Relationship?
Our lives are busy and full of obligations to family, friends, employers, and partners. While having these relationships is important, to maintain a successful relationship, we may put ourselves and our needs on the back burner. Once that happens, it’s easy to lose touch with your needs and desires, making it difficult to get what you need out of the relationship.
We may get into the habit of hoping that the other halves of these relationships will meet our needs without us ever verbalizing when. But when our needs aren’t met — whether we verbalize them or not — we may harbor resentment in our relationships because we feel we’re always doing everything for everybody else but never get anything in return.
Other behaviors and patterns that can turn someone into a resentful person are:
- Betrayal. Whether it’s financial, sexual, or emotional, being betrayed and not dealing with the fallout from that creates resentment.
- Disrespectful behavior. Behaving disrespectfully toward one another can create hard feelings that grow into resentment. This could be as simple as name calling or more complex, like not respecting each other’s boundaries.
- Misaligned goals, priorities, and expectations. It’s possible you both started the relationship on the same page. But, over time, your goals and priorities diverged. That happens as people grow, but ignoring those changes or refusing to discuss them will breed resentment.
- Poor or nonexistent communication. When one partner wants to discuss things but the other doesn’t, or when both partners have a hard time actively listening, resentment will crop up because no one feels like they’re being heard and nothing is being resolved.
- Unresolved trauma. Carrying childhood trauma into adulthood and relationships can create a barrier that causes other poor behaviors to happen. While not dealing with the trauma may not be the cause of the resentment, it can be the root issue that leads to other problems and must be dealt with.
How to Prevent Resentment in a Relationship
If you or your partner are experiencing any of the signs of relationship resentment or have negative feelings about the relationship and each other, it may be time to focus on yourself and take the time to understand your own wants and needs.
Get to the Bottom of Things
First, you’ll need to figure out why you feel resentful. Is it that you feel your partner takes advantage of you? Doesn’t appreciate you? Identifying what’s causing your resentment can help you resolve it.
Have an Honest Conversation
A healthy relationship starts with healthy communication. Have an open and frank conversation with your partner about why you feel resentment and how their actions contributed. Be careful not to blame them and listen to their side of things.
Resolve to Do Better
Change takes time, but communicating with your partner can help prevent negative emotions like resentment before they start and improve your mental health. Agree to discuss something as it’s happening instead of shutting down and letting resentment fester and grow.
Set Boundaries
Finally, one of the best ways to prevent resentment is by setting and enforcing boundaries.
Our lives are busy and full of obligations to family, friends, employers, and partners. Sometimes we put others first and neglect ourselves. When that happens, we may lose touch with our needs and desires, and then we may resent others.
Take stock of what your boundaries are and what you need to feel loved and supported. Then, let your partner know what those boundaries are, and be sure to enforce them when you feel your needs aren’t being met.
Is it Possible to Get Over Resentment?
Getting over resentment is a realistic and attainable goal that does not require you to sacrifice what you think is important.
Know that resentment can rear its head when we have unacknowledged issues in ourselves. Past trauma or PTSD can change how we respond to situations, so before you allow negative emotions to take root, ask yourself if the situation makes you fearful or defensive. Answering these and other questions can help you get to the root cause of your resentment and stop it before it starts.
It’s also easy to point the finger and let everyone know how they’ve let you down. But this can leave your partner feeling attacked and prevent any conversation from being productive. Instead of pointing the finger, focus on your feelings. Rather than saying, “You hurt my feelings when you did X,” you can try saying, “When you did X, I felt unappreciated, and that left me feeling sad because I really needed some validation from you at that moment.”
Moving Past Resentment
While resentment may feel like a healthy coping mechanism, over time, it can lead to more resentment and even more negative feelings about the other partner. Moving past resentment can help get your relationship back on track.
If you’ve tried to work out your differences or you still find yourself feeling resentful in a relationship, the team at Anchor Light Therapy Collective is here to help. Our skilled therapists can help you stop with the self-blame, blame game, or whatever is contributing to the resentment in your relationship. Contact us today to schedule a free consultation.
