While recovering from a bad breakup or even a bad relationship takes time, when your recovery is harder or longer than you expected, you may have relationship post-traumatic stress disorder or relationship PTSD. Relationship PTSD is similar to PTSD and shares certain symptoms. But relationship PTSD often develops due to toxic or abusive relationships.
Fortunately, it is possible to recover from relationship PTSD and even thrive in future relationships. Here’s everything you need to know about what relationship PTSD looks like and how to overcome it.
What Is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can develop after someone witnesses or experiences a traumatic event. It’s a recognized mental health diagnosis, and people with PTSD experience symptoms across four categories:
- Re-experiencing traumatic events. The person feels like they’re reliving the traumatic event through nightmares, intrusive memories, or flashbacks.
- Avoidance. The person does everything they can to avoid situations, places, or people that remind them of the traumatic event so they don’t have to re-experience it.
- Arousal and reactivity. Someone with PTSD feels like they’re always on high alert and constantly looking out for danger. They may not be able to fully relax or are easily startled.
- Cognition and mood. The person experiences cognitive and mood shifts. For example, they may always have a negative outlook or are unable to feel joy or happiness.
What Is a Toxic Relationship?
In a toxic relationship, one or both people engage in negative behaviors, such as controlling, abusing, or manipulating their partner. While many people associate “toxic relationships” with romantic ones, friendships, platonic partnerships, and even family relations can be toxic.
Some examples of toxic relationship behaviors include:
- Isolating one partner from their family and friends
- Blaming
- Passive-aggressiveness
- Gaslighting
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How Can a Toxic Relationship Cause Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
While many therapists believe that abusive and toxic relationships can cause PTSD, relationship PTSD is not yet an official diagnosis in the mental health community. In the future, relationship PTSD may be called post-traumatic relationship syndrome (PTRS). Though PTRS is similar to PTSD, post-traumatic relationship syndrome is separate and unique from post-traumatic stress disorder.
Post-traumatic stress disorder is often caused by or linked to a single traumatic event. However, PTRS often develops after a series of events that occur within an abusive relationship. Unlike those with PTSD, people with PTRS generally don’t develop avoidance symptoms to cope with their PTRS and may replay abusive or traumatic events in their mind. Someone with PTRS may also have relationship-specific fears or anxieties, like fearing an abusive partner. Finally, PTRS is often a response to a continuing fear of abuse, whether that’s in the present or the future.
Below is a list of relationship-specific traumas that can cause relationship PTSD. To be clear, the relationship does not need to have all of these behaviors or actions present to create PTRS. Experiencing only one form of abuse is enough.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse may start with a single incident but may happen more frequently or become more violent over time. The abusive partner may slap, push, choke, or scratch the other.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse happens when the abusive partner forces the other to engage in sexual activity they’ve explicitly said they do not want to engage in. It also happens when one partner revokes their consent for a sexual activity they’ve previously agreed to, but the other partner proceeds anyway. Unwanted touching, kissing, and pressuring someone to engage in any sexual act they don’t want to are all examples.
Emotional Abuse
An abusive partner may use emotional abuse to frighten, control, or manipulate the other partner’s behavior. Some examples are:
- Gaslighting
- Insulting
- Isolating
- Extreme guilt trips for minor mistakes
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse is used to gain power and control. Limiting one partner’s access to money, sabotaging career opportunities, and controlling how money is spent are all signs of financial abuse.
Technological Abuse
Technological abuse is a form of emotional abuse and includes:
- Sending threatening, demeaning, or abusive messages
- Continually calling or texting you when you’ve said you can’t talk to them at that moment
- Tracking you without your consent or knowledge
- Gaining access to your online accounts with or without your consent
- Threatening or sharing intimate photos and videos without your consent
Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse is also used to hurt, scare, and control one partner. You may be forced to participate in spiritual or religious practices or activities you don’t want, or someone may force your children to participate when you’ve said you don’t want to include them.
Relationship PTSD Symptoms
Post-traumatic stress disorder and relationship PTSD have some overlapping symptoms, like hyperarousal, nightmares, or anxiety. However, relationship PTSD has a unique set of symptoms that are specific to relationships.
Arousal Symptoms
Arousal symptoms mean you’re always looking out for danger so you can react quickly. In relationship PTSD, arousal symptoms are similar to some PTSD symptoms:
- Irritating easily
- Difficult concentrating
- Insomnia
- A general feeling of anxiety
Intrusive Symptoms
Intrusive symptoms caused by relationship PTSD and PTSD are also similar. They are the intrusive thoughts and feelings about your relationship trauma that you’re unable to stop. You can have:
- Nightmares
- Flashbacks
- Extreme emotional responses
Intrusive relationship PTSD symptoms can also be physical. You may experience anxiety-like symptoms, such as a rapid heart rate, sweating, or shaking.
Relational Symptoms
Relationship PTSD is unique in that whether you’re currently in a toxic relationship or a healthy one, you may experience PTRS symptoms. That could be:
- Getting into a committed relationship too soon
- Continuing to engage in unhealthy relationship dynamics
- Feeling unworthy of love or a healthy relationship
- Difficulty trusting others
- Self-blame for what happened
- Sexual dysfunction
- Choosing to isolate yourself
How To Cope With Relationship PTSD
Whether you’re in a toxic or abusive relationship right now, have left an abusive relationship, or are with a partner who’s left an abusive relationship, there are ways to cope with and heal from PTRS.
If You’re Experiencing Relationship PTSD
First, if you’re currently in a toxic or abusive relationship or experiencing abuse, make plans to get out safely. While couples counseling may be a viable option, you may need to leave the relationship.
Once you’re in a safe place, you can start to heal from your relationship trauma. You’ll likely need to connect with a qualified mental health professional to help you:
- Overcome self-blame and guilt for what happened
- Process and accept that what happened wasn’t your fault
- Deal with any anger or fear you may be experiencing
- Address any mental health issues, like anxiety or depression
- Learn how to trust others
- Develop a healthy, safe support system.
If Your Partner Is Experiencing Relationship PTSD
If you think your partner or loved one has relationship PTSD or you know they have it, you should encourage them to work with a mental health professional to start the healing process. While your love, support, and understanding are crucial to their recovery, it’s unlikely you have the tools and skills you need to support your partner or loved one on your own.
The best thing you can do is be patient and understand that recovery isn’t a straight line. You can support them by:
- Respecting their boundaries. When they’re ready, learn more about their triggers and avoid behaviors, words, or actions that might be problematic for them. You may need to avoid certain kinds of emotional and physical intimacy while your partner recovers.
- Validate what happened. If your partner blames themself for what happened or tries to downplay the abuse, listen with a sympathetic ear and gently remind them that they aren’t to blame for the abuse.
- Give them space. Giving your partner space when they need it allows them to process their feelings and reactions as they heal. Respecting that need demonstrates that you are a loving, supportive person they can count on.
You Can Thrive
Recovering from a toxic relationship and relationship PTSD is possible but takes time and often requires the guidance of a qualified mental health professional. With time, though, you can develop coping skills to handle your relationship PTSD and thrive in future relationships that are healthy and safe.
If you think you’re experiencing relationship PTSD or are with someone who may have it, contact Anchor Light Couples and Family Therapy for a free, no-obligation consultation today. Our compassionate team of therapists can help you or your loved one learn how to move past their relationship PTSD and live a happier, healthier life.
