Cultivating a healthy relationship takes time. But in the early days of a new romantic relationship, our attraction to someone new and the desire to establish a connection can blind us to red flags and warning signs. Similarly, a relationship may start without any obvious red flags but may appear over time. Overlooking red or even yellow flags can guide us away from the fulfilling, respectful, and supportive partnerships we crave and deserve.
Slowing down and being mindful of the relationship dynamics we’re fostering helps, but so does examining individual behaviors. Instead of fighting for a relationship at any cost, we must discern if we’re fighting against red flags that signal an unhealthy union.
Toxic vs. Romantic Behaviors
Healthy relationships create strong and secure bonds that make both people feel safe and provide positive emotional support. In a healthy romantic relationship, both partners feel that security in part because they know their independence and individuality is respected and even celebrated.
Relationship red flags interfere with this safety. Manipulative behavior from one or both partners can lead to mental and emotional damage, manifesting as anxiety, depression, and diminished self-worth, making one feel lesser or unwelcome in their authentic self.
Recognizing relationship red flags requires self-awareness and understanding, as well as the knowledge that red flags don’t automatically signal the end of a relationship. Discussing and addressing these flags can build a stronger, healthier relationship.
11 Red Flags in a Relationship
Before covering relationship red flags, know that anything that makes you feel unsafe or if it feels like you’re sacrificing your own sanity or mental health are major signs you should end the relationship.
These are the red flags you should be aware of as you enter and explore a new relationship.
1. Love Bombing
Love bombing starts early in the relationship, with your partner showering you with attention and affection. Within the first few dates, they may:
- Profess their love for you
- Tell you you’re their soul mate or missing half
- Make grand gestures like buying you expensive jewelry or surprising you with a romantic trip
While these might be genuine expressions of their feelings, these behaviors become a red flag when they’re used to manipulate or control you. For example, the love bomber may start talking about moving in or even marrying you in the middle of the first date.
The problem is the bomber wants you to feel like you’re always connected and on their mind, but they do this by violating your boundaries. They may call or text you constantly and expect you to respond immediately. Or they may expect you to drop everything to spend time with them and pressure you into doing things you’re uncomfortable with.
How to handle this red flag:
People tend to ignore red flags like this because it initially feels so good to be the target of someone’s affection, attention, and desire. And this is a tricky red flag because it feels flattering and romantic. However, healthy relationships unfold naturally and over time without one partner pressuring the other to commit or violate their boundaries.
The best way to handle a love bomber is to stick with firm boundaries. If the other person can respect that, this red flag may become a yellow flag. But if they can’t respect those boundaries or continue pressuring you, it may be time to move on.
2. Controlling Behavior
Controlling behavior often begins subtly and slowly escalates. You may not notice it initially, but over time, you see your partner monitoring and checking up on you. They may call or text you excessively and want to know who you’re spending time with, where you are, and when you’ll be home. They may even check your browser history or read your email. Your partner may become jealous or possessive if they think someone else is interested in you or feel threatened by you spending time with friends and family members.
A controlling partner may also try to manipulate you emotionally through abusive behaviors. Red flags include:
- Stonewalling instead of trying to resolve an argument
- Playing mind games
- Withholding approval
In more extreme cases, they may restrict your independence by limiting your access to money or transportation, so you’re dependent on them. This major red flag rises to the level of an abusive relationship and should not be overlooked or tolerated.
How to handle this red flag:
Controlling behaviors is a huge red flag, so set clear boundaries about what behaviors are acceptable as early as possible in the relationship. Communicate these boundaries assertively and consistently. If the controlling behavior includes checking your phone or deciding who you can spend time with, make it clear that these actions are unacceptable. If the behavior escalates or continues, seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals and be prepared to leave the relationship to ensure your safety and autonomy.
3. Unrealistic Expectations
One partner having unrealistic expectations for the other is another red flag. For example, getting angry when one partner doesn’t anticipate the other’s needs even though those needs have never been communicated. Unrealistic expectations are often linked with narcissistic tendencies, which can lead to emotional, mental, and physical abuse.
How to handle this red flag:
When faced with unrealistic expectations, open communication is crucial. Express how these expectations make you feel and discuss realistic standards for both partners. Encourage your partner to articulate their needs rather than expecting you to guess. If they continue to impose unfair expectations, evaluating whether the relationship is sustainable in the long term is essential.
4. Unhealthy Jealousy
Feeling jealous when we’re insecure or uncertain about where we stand with our love interest is natural. However, jealousy becomes a red flag when your partner:
- Is suspicious of your activities
- Becomes overly possessive
- Is angry about your past relationships
Unhealthy jealousy is typically characterized by possessiveness, insecurity, fear of abandonment, and irrational thoughts, which are forms of manipulation, not romance.
How to handle this red flag:
Discuss the underlying insecurities or fears driving this behavior. Encourage your partner to trust and respect your independence and boundaries while reassuring them of your commitment. If jealousy becomes obsessive or controlling, it may be necessary to seek therapy to address these deeper issues and determine whether the relationship is healthy for both parties.
5. Lack of Respect for Boundaries
It’s crucial for both parties in the relationship to feel comfortable saying “no” without feeling guilty. Feeling pressured to meet your partner’s needs regardless of how they impact your life could indicate a lack of boundaries and regard for your boundaries. Healthy relationships feel safe, and partners feel comfortable expressing their needs without fear or guilt.
How to handle this red flag:
You must be clear on your boundaries and what they look like when crossed. When your boundaries are violated, reassert them firmly and explain the importance of mutual respect and autonomy in the relationship. If your partner repeatedly crosses your boundaries, it might signify more profound disrespect or control issues. In such cases, couples counseling can help. But if the disrespect continues, it may be healthier to end the relationship.
6. Dishonesty and Deception
Honesty is essential in any successful relationship. Without it, trust cannot exist. Being dishonest about small things, like making plans and not following through or bigger things like finances or past legal history might seem harmless initially. However, these lies add up and can erode trust between partners over time. Deception is harmful, even if intended to impress someone or win them over. Not being honest doesn’t allow individuals to understand what they commit to in a new relationship.
How to handle these red flags:
Confront dishonesty by communicating how it affects your trust. Encourage an environment where both partners can be honest without fear of judgment. If the lying or deception continues, counseling or reassessing the relationship’s future might be necessary.
7. Unwillingness to Compromise or Negotiate
In a healthy relationship, both parties should feel respected and have equal power. This dynamic can quickly become unbalanced in relationships where one partner refuses to compromise. The partner who refuses to budge becomes more powerful than their significant other. This imbalance often leads to resentment and anger as the other partner begins to feel like they are not valued or considered.
How to handle these red flags:
Address these red flags by highlighting the importance of equality and mutual respect in decision-making. Encourage discussions that allow both partners to express their needs and find a healthy compromise. If your partner remains inflexible, it might indicate a deeper issue of control or lack of respect. Couples therapy can be beneficial, but if there’s no progress, you may need to consider the relationship’s health and whether it meets your needs.
8. Emotional Manipulation or Abuse
Emotional manipulation is a form of psychological abuse that often goes unrecognized. It’s a way to control another person’s behavior without physical abuse and leaves victims confused, ashamed, and feeling guilty.
The red flags of emotional abuse are subtle yet pervasive. The manipulator will use these tactics to make you feel anxious, powerless, and unable to stand up for yourself. Some examples are:
- Gaslighting: One partner manipulates the other into doubting their actions and reality.
- Threats and ultimatums: One partner threatens to end the relationship to get what they want from the other.
- Guilt trips: The manipulator will cry or get angry to get you to give in.
- Criticizing or belittling: This tactic can create fear or insecurity in one partner.
How to handle these red flags:
It’s critical to recognize these tactics and confront the behaviors. Express how they impact you and disengage from any manipulative behaviors from your partner. Maintaining your emotional well-being is essential, so seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. In severe cases, leaving the relationship may be the safest option.
9. Disregarding Your Feelings and Needs
Signs your partner is disregarding your feelings and needs include:
- Not listening or responding to you when you talk.
- Interrupting you when you’re speaking
- Dismissing your ideas and options without consideration
- Insulting or belittling you
If your partner consistently displays these behaviors, they may not respect your emotions and needs.
How to handle this red flag:
When your feelings and needs are disregarded, communicate clearly how this behavior affects you and the relationship. Stress the importance of empathy and mutual understanding. If your partner continues ignoring your feelings and needs, it may signify a more profound lack of respect. Professional counseling can help, but if the situation doesn’t improve, consider the relationship’s viability for your emotional health.
10. Refusal to Take Responsibility for Actions
Refusing to take responsibility for one’s actions is a serious red flag. Being unwilling or unable to acknowledge the consequences of their behavior can lead to ongoing disputes and resentment. It can also erode trust in the relationship.
How to handle this red flag:
In a healthy relationship, both partners own their mistakes and recognize how their actions affect their partner. Create an environment where both partners can admit mistakes and learn from them. If your partner continues to deflect, it could indicate a deeper issue with accountability, which may require professional intervention or a reevaluation of the relationship.
11. Abusive Language
Abusive language is another major red flag that can go unnoticed. People with a history of trauma or who grew up in a family where abusive language was normal may mistake the red flag behavior as normal or even passion. Name-calling, mocking, put-downs, or insults are not romantic and may create an unhealthy relationship.
How to handle this red flag:
Confront abusive language directly by expressing its hurtful impact and insisting on respectful communication. Set clear boundaries regarding acceptable language. If the abuse continues, it’s crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being. In cases of persistent verbal abuse, seeking help from a therapist and ending the relationship may be necessary.
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What to Do If You Suspect Red Flags in a Relationship
If you’re noticing red flags in a relationship, but aren’t sure what you’re seeing, here’s how to evaluate your partner’s behavior and some steps you can take to handle them.
Stay Safe
Your safety is paramount. If confronting your partner about red flags leads to them becoming more hostile or abusive, prioritize your physical and emotional safety. You may need to move to a safe space or contact authorities.
Trust Your Gut
If your instincts are telling you something is off or feels wrong, listen to them. Our instincts often alert us to dangers before we’ve fully realized or rationalized them.
Pay Attention
Observe how your partner reacts when you raise concerns about their behavior. Defensive, angry, or hostile reactions are red flags that may indicate it’s time to move on from the relationship.
Seek Professional Advice
If you’re not sure if what you’re seeing are yellow flags or red or the situation seems overwhelming, consider seeking guidance from a licensed therapist. They can look at your situation objectively and offer the advice and support you need to navigate your situation.
Find a Healthy Relationship
Red flags in a relationship can be obvious or subtle. When you suspect red flags are present in your relationship, therapy can be a valuable resource. It provides a safe space to recognize red flag behaviors and patterns, explore how they impact you, and develop strategies for dealing with them. It can also help you understand whether red flag behaviors can be improved or if you should move on.
If you’re experiencing any red flags in your relationship, consider meeting with a licensed therapist at Anchor Light Therapy Collective. Our team can help you sort through the complex emotions you may be experiencing and find clarity. Schedule a free consultation today.
