Curiosity about your partner’s previous relationships is normal. Learning more about those experiences and partners can help you better understand how those relationships shaped how your partner approaches romantic relationships in the present — including yours.
Depending on the specifics, you may feel a twinge of jealousy when you hear about those relationships and exes. Did the ex shower your partner with extravagant gifts? Did your partner think the ex was “the one”? Is the ex well-known or even famous?
While experiencing some jealousy when you learn the details is OK, if you hold on to that jealousy and let it consume you, you’re likely experiencing retroactive jealousy, a negative behavior that can harm and possibly destroy your current relationship.
What Is Retroactive Jealousy?
Retroactive jealousy, also known as Rebecca Syndrome, is when someone feels threatened by their partner’s past relationships or romantic history. They worry and obsess about their partner’s past relationships, perceiving it as a threat to their current relationship, even when the partner isn’t in contact with the ex or the ex isn’t actively interfering with the relationship. This obsession can lead to an intense fear of losing their partner, which leads to negative behavior patterns.
Normal Jealousy vs. Retroactive Jealousy
Some jealousy is normal in any healthy relationship. You may be jealous that your sibling got a new toy, that your best friend is getting married, or that your coworker got a promotion. In a romantic relationship, you may feel jealous if your partner accomplishes a couple’s goal ahead of you (like losing more weight) or works overtime when you want to spend time with them. In romantic relationships, romantic jealousy can also happen when a third party is perceived as a threat to the current relationship (like someone’s best friend or a work colleague).
The difference is that normal and romantic jealousies are felt in the present about the current relationship. What’s more, the jealousy is fleeting. For example, you may feel jealous that your partner lost the weight more quickly, but you don’t obsess about it, put them down for it, or get angry about it. You may double down on your weight-loss efforts or put it out of your mind to focus on accomplishing your goal.
Retroactive jealousy is different in that you’re obsessed with something from your partner’s past and allow it to interfere in your relationship. For example, you may find out that your partner lost 150 pounds but wonder if they did it to please their ex and would they be willing to do it for you. You may even go so far as to ask your partner if they lost the weight for their ex and why they were motivated by their ex to lose the weight but not believe your partner when they explain they lost the weight for their health, not their ex.
What Are the Signs of Retroactive Jealousy?
Asking questions about a partner’s romantic history at the beginning of a relationship is normal. But curiosity can become jealousy, which can spiral into retroactive jealousy when questions become intrusive or obsessive, or behaviors push past certain boundaries. Some of the more common unhealthy behaviors of retroactive jealousy include:
- Tracking a partner’s exes on social media
- Snooping through your partner’s phone, email, social media, or browser history
- Obsessively asking questions about past relationships and sexual history
- Constantly seeking reassurance that the current relationship is fine
- Making sarcastic or nasty comments about your partner’s past relationships or exes
- Frequently questioning one partner’s commitment to the relationship
- Difficulty with physical intimacy and emotional connection because of the partner’s past experiences or previous relationships
- Refusing to let the details of your partner’s past relationships go
- Feeling anxious when past experiences or partners are brought up in conversation
- Acting and reacting as if the relationship is always being threatened
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What Causes Retroactive Jealousy?
There’s no single cause of retroactive jealousy, but some of the common ones are:
- Anxiety
- Attachment disorders
- Low self-esteem
- Relationship with a past partner who lied, cheated, or betrayed
It’s important to note that retroactive jealousy is about the person experiencing it, not their partner. However, their partner’s behaviors can trigger retroactive jealousy, even if the behaviors are unintentional or are the result of their past negative experiences.
For example, someone may avoid discussing past relationships or have difficulty talking about their feelings because they were in an abusive relationship with a gaslighter. However, this avoidant behavior can cause the other partner to feel insecure or worried about the stability of their relationship, which could lead to retroactive jealousy.
Retroactive Jealousy and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Some people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) focus on their relationships, and the anxiety and overthinking of OCD can fuel retroactive jealousy. They may have obsessive thoughts about their partner’s sexual history and focus on the need to prevent anyone from interfering with the relationship.
If you or your partner has OCD and are experiencing retroactive jealousy, or you think OCD may be the underlying cause of the retroactive jealousy, seek professional help.
How to Overcome Retroactive Jealously
Overcoming retroactive jealousy about your partner’s past depends on how much retroactive jealousy you’re experiencing and how much it’s impacting your relationship.
Ask Why You’re Jealous
If you’re the person experiencing retroactive jealousy about your partner’s exes, ask yourself why you might be feeling that way. The reasons are likely less about your partner and more about your past. Exploring why you may have trust issues, feel insecure in your current relationship, or why you’re obsessing about the past can help you uncover why you’re experiencing retroactive jealousy now and address it.
If you’re worried about your romantic partner’s retroactive jealousy, open communication about your past relationships is a start. However, frequently reassuring them that everything is fine and that you’re not in contact with your exes may not be enough to convince them that your relationship is solid. You may need to encourage them to seek mental health treatment to help them deal with the root cause of their retroactive jealousy.
Avoid Activities That Trigger Your Retroactive Jealousy
Social media makes it easier than ever to dig up information about your partner’s exes. While some curiosity about your partner’s previous partners is normal, it can trigger retroactive jealousy, especially if the ex hasn’t deleted posts about your current partner. If you find yourself constantly scrolling through old posts or researching your partner’s ex, staying away from their social media profiles can help ease the obsessive thoughts about your partner’s past.
Social media isn’t the only trigger, though. Your partner may have a box of keepsakes from the relationship or even use certain items they acquired during the relationship that upset you. While keeping out of your partner’s box can help, if they wear an ex’s t-shirt that triggers your retroactive jealousy, talk to your partner about it and work together to find a solution.
Be Intentional
When you’re in the throes of retroactive jealousy and need to ask a question about your partner’s past, ask yourself why you need the information and how it will serve you. Will answering the question strengthen and improve your relationship, or will the answer upset you and make you feel more anxious? Stopping yourself and reflecting on why you want and seem to need the information can help bring your retroactive jealousy under control.
Check Your Facts
It’s not uncommon to assume the worst-case scenario, especially when your partner is being evasive or closed off. But before assuming the worst about your partner or your relationship, fact-check your retroactive jealousy.
For example, instead of assuming your partner chose you only because they’re not with their ex, ask yourself for proof that that’s what happened. As you work through the possibilities, you may discover that your “proof” is that they chose you because they want to be with you, not because they don’t have better options.
Accept the Past
Nearly every person you partner with will have a romantic past, especially if you’re older. But it’s important to recognize that it’s exactly that: the past. Part of moving forward in life is accepting and embracing our past and how it shaped who we are today and how it led us to where we are right now — including your current relationship.
If discussing your partner’s romantic history makes you uncomfortable, honest and open communication can help guide conversations away from it. But accepting that your partner has a past and that it isn’t actively harming your present or future will help you overcome retroactive jealousy.
Talk to a Mental Health Professional
Sometimes, these steps aren’t enough, and you or your partner still struggle with unhealthy behaviors that lead to retroactive jealousy. It could indicate that there are deeper mental health issues that need to be addressed or that there may be an underlying mental health disorder that’s contributing to the retroactive jealousy. Likewise, when one partner has difficulty opening up, it can trigger retroactive jealousy in the other.
Connecting with a mental health or couples counselor is an opportunity for you and your partner to explore underlying issues and use this obstacle as an avenue for a deeper understanding and connection with one another.
What if Your Partner Has Retroactive Jealousy?
If your partner doesn’t recognize or acknowledge they have retroactive jealousy, you can try to help them understand that their negative thoughts and behaviors are harming your relationship.
Stay Open and Communicate
When you create a non-judgmental and safe place for your partner to share their concerns, your partner may feel truly heard. It can be challenging not to get defensive or shut down if you feel you’re being unfairly attacked or that you’ve had the same conversation numerous times.
However, a defensive or dismissive response will validate your partner’s own fears and increase their jealousy and insecurity. Staying open and engaged increases the odds they will accept your reassurances and begin to see their concerns are unfounded.
Communicate your Boundaries
Allowing your partner to violate your boundaries in order to reassure them may lead you to feel resentful of your partner and could sabotage your relationship. Set and enforce your boundaries to maintain your mental health and explore other methods for reassuring your partner.
Couples Therapy
Couples therapy can help you and your partner discuss your concerns in a structured and productive way. Through this process, you can learn more about your partner’s concerns, and a therapist may be able to help you identify the root cause of the issue and work through it.
From the Past to the Present
Retroactive jealousy can be a sign of a much more complex mental health concern. While overcoming it on your own is possible, enlisting the aid of a qualified mental health professional can help you understand what’s causing your retroactive jealousy and find more healthy ways to handle your concerns.
If you or your partner are experiencing retroactive jealousy, the compassionate, caring team at Anchor Light Couples and Family Therapy can help. Whether it’s individual counseling or couples therapy, our experienced therapists can help you get to the root cause of your retroactive jealousy and take the first steps on your mental health journey. Contact us today for a free consultation.
