Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that can happen intentionally or unintentionally. Whether the gaslighter knows what they’re doing or not, the psychological and emotional impacts on the victim can be devastating. The insidious thing about gaslighting, though, is that it leads you to question everything, including whether or not you’re being gaslit.
So, what exactly is gaslighting in a relationship, and how can you tell if you’re being gaslit? And if you are experiencing gaslighting, is there anything you can do about it?
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where one person manipulates another into questioning their own thoughts, memories, or events. It can destroy trust in relationships and create a harmful environment where one partner feels powerless and confused. Victims often feel isolated and have low self-esteem, which can lead to anxiety, depression, and significant emotional distress.
How Is Gaslighting Different From Normal Disagreements?
Normal disagreements and conflicts are part of any relationship and usually revolve around specific issues that can be resolved or compromised upon. Gaslighting, however, is characterized by a pattern of behavior aimed at gaining control by making someone doubt their reality and sanity. Here’s how to tell the difference.
- Normal disagreements happen occasionally and focus on specific issues. In a healthy conflict, both partners work toward a resolution, even agreeing to disagree. The disagreement might upset you, but it doesn’t make you question your sanity.
- Gaslighting is a consistent pattern of behavior that happens no matter what you’re discussing. Conflicts revolve around undermining one person’s perspective without moving toward a resolution, inducing chronic self-doubt and mental disorientation.
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Common Gaslighting Tactics
Some gaslighting tactics are obvious, like saying, “You’re crazy,” or, “That didn’t happen.” Other tactics are more subtle. Here’s what to look out for:
- Blatant denial. Even with clear evidence, the gaslighter will deny having said or done something, leading the victim to doubt their memory.
- Trivializing feelings. The gaslighter may tell the victim their feelings are irrational. “You’re so sensitive” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” are examples.
- Withholding information. The gaslighter acts confused or pretends not to understand the victim’s questions or concerns, leading them to doubt their own reality.
- Countering. The gaslighter will question the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers things just fine, creating doubt and confusion.
- Diverting. When the gaslighter is challenged or presented with absolute proof, they change the subject or question the victim’s thoughts to avoid the issue and keep the victim off balance.
Emotional and Psychological Consequences of Ongoing Gaslighting
Being subjected to gaslighting by a partner can lead to a variety of serious emotional and psychological issues, including:
- Anxiety and depression. Victims often feel isolated and alone in the relationship, leading to low self-esteem, which affects all aspects of their lives.
- Chronic self-doubt. The persistent doubt sown by a gaslighting partner can make the victim question their own judgment and perceptions, which often leads to indecisiveness and a lack of confidence in their abilities.
- Diminished self-worth. Gaslighting can erode a person’s self-esteem by continually invalidating their feelings, thoughts, and experiences, making them feel worthless and unimportant.
- Emotional exhaustion. The mental strain of trying to reconcile conflicting realities can leave the victim feeling drained, hopeless, and emotionally spent.
- Isolation. Victims may isolate themselves from friends and family due to feelings of shame, embarrassment, or because they believe others will not understand or validate their experiences.
- Trust issues. Continuous manipulation can make it difficult for the victim to trust others — even those with whom they have close relationships. This can impede future personal and professional relationships.
- Identity crisis. Victims of gaslighting often struggle with a sense of lost identity. They may feel detached from themselves and their values, interests, and beliefs, which were undermined by the gaslighter.
- Vulnerable to additional abuse. Lowered self-esteem and increased dependency on the abuser can make the victim more susceptible to further emotional or even physical abuse.
Signs You’re Being Gaslit
If you suspect that you might be a victim of gaslighting in your relationship, see if you’re experiencing any of these signs:
- Frequent doubting. You often doubt your own sense of memory, perception, and even sanity.
Commonly confused. More often than not, you feel confused, especially after conversations with your partner. - Frequent apologies. You find yourself apologizing all the time, even when you’re certain you did nothing wrong.
- Lying. Lying to avoid criticism is another sign you’re the victim of gaslighting. You lie to avoid having to explain or justify things you know will be dismissed or turned against you.
- Lack of self-esteem. Your self-esteem has significantly diminished throughout the relationship.
- Feeling hopeless. You feel hopeless or depressed all the time but don’t seem to know why.
- Withholding information. While the gaslighter may withhold information from you, you may withhold information from friends or family members because explaining your relationship is too complicated or unbelievable.
- Sensitive to criticism. Even if you were sensitive before the relationship, you’ve grown extremely sensitive to any form of criticism.
- Your gut tells you something is off. Something feels wrong, but you can’t identify what. It may feel like something is fundamentally wrong with you or that you’re “crazy.”
- Always wrong. No matter how you present your side of things, you always walk away from an argument with your partner, feeling like your view is wrong.
How to Determine if You’re Being Gaslit
If you suspect you’re being gaslit but aren’t sure, documenting your interactions with your partner and reflecting on their behavioral patterns can help you confirm gaslighting. Here’s what to do.
Keep a Journal
Record dates, times, and details of your conversations as soon as possible to help you remember what happened as it happened. Write down any specific incidents when you felt undermined or gaslighted, as well as how you felt and if there were any witnesses.
Look for Patterns
Periodically review your journal entries to identify any behavior patterns or common themes in your partner. Gaslighters often use repetitive behaviors like lying, denying, and dismissing your feelings.
Confide in Trusted Friends and Family Members
When you’re not sure what you’re seeing, asking a friend or family member for their opinion can help. Sharing your experiences with someone you trust outside the relationship can give you an outside perspective and validate your reality.
Reflect on Your Feelings
Pay attention to how you feel throughout your relationship and when dealing directly with your partner. Do you often feel confused, anxious, or crazy? These emotional responses may indicate you’re a victim of gaslighting.
Addressing Gaslighting in Relationships
Effective intervention depends on the gaslighter’s awareness and intent. The most important thing to determine is if the other person is intentionally gaslighting you or if they don’t realize that’s what they’re doing.
Deliberate Gaslighting
Deliberate gaslighters are fully aware of what they’re doing and manipulate others to gain or maintain control in a relationship. The behavior is calculated and often part of broader tactics in an abusive relationship. They’ll typically deny and intensify their abusive behaviors when challenged.
The best way to deal with relationship abuse from a deliberate gaslighter is to establish firm boundaries. However, you may need professional support to navigate the power struggle and heal.
Unintentional Gaslighting
Unintentional gaslighters don’t realize they’re gaslighting others. They may be repeating the behaviors they’ve experienced and don’t realize the impact of their emotional abuse. Their actions stem from ingrained habits or insecurities, not a desire to control or manipulate others.
When confronted about their behaviors, unintentional gaslighters are often surprised, demonstrating a lack of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. However, they may be willing to change their behavior and attend individual therapy or couples counseling.
How to Stop Gaslighting in Your Relationship
Stopping gaslighting involves direct actions and changes in how you communicate and allow others to treat you.
Effective Communication
The first step to stopping gaslighting in your relationship is to change how you and your partner communicate.
- Use ‘I’ statements. Instead of accusatory or confrontational language (“you always…”), use ‘I’ statements (“I feel… when…”) to express your feelings and thoughts without provoking defensive responses.
- Clarify meanings. If you suspect someone is twisting your words, ask them to repeat what you said to ensure your message is understood as intended.
- Stay focused. Keep discussions on topic, and avoid getting sidetracked by details that can be used to gaslight you.
Set and Enforce Clear Boundaries
Communication alone won’t stop gaslighting. Consistent action will reinforce that gaslighting is not acceptable.
- Define acceptable behavior. Clearly state what behaviors are unacceptable to you and what the consequences will be if they are not respected.
- Be consistent. Enforce these boundaries consistently. Gaslighters often test boundaries, and inconsistency can encourage further manipulation.
- Seek external support. If it’s difficult to maintain boundaries alone, consider enlisting the help of a counselor or trusted friend to hold you accountable and support your decisions.
Resetting Relationship Dynamics
Communication and action are a good start, but some couples need additional support to eliminate gaslighting.
- Counseling. Couples therapy can address and change unhealthy interactions. A therapist can help both partners see how their behaviors affect each other and guide them in creating a more balanced relationship.
- Education. Sometimes, educating your partner about gaslighting — without accusations — can be eye-opening. Use resources like books, articles, and workshops to help them understand the impact of their behavior and the importance of change.
- Reevaluate the relationship. Continually assess your relationship dynamics. If, despite your efforts, gaslighting continues, it may be necessary to consider more drastic options, such as separation, to protect your mental health.
Turn the Gas Off
Gaslighting is a serious issue that undermines the mental health and stability of relationships. If you recognize signs of this manipulative behavior, prompt action is crucial. We encourage you to explore individual or couples counseling offered by Anchor Light Therapy Collective to address these challenges effectively. Taking this step is vital for restoring trust and health in your relationships, ensuring a supportive and understanding environment. Schedule for free consultation today.
