Being in a fulfilling and healthy relationship means learning how to compromise. It’s about more than practicality. Compromise in a balanced relationship is about equity, respect, and resolving conflicts without hurt feelings.
Arriving at a reasonable compromise means paying attention to your and your partner’s feelings, desires, and values while building trust and not placing blame or shame. It sounds like a lot, but healthy compromise can ensure both partners feel heard and respected, resulting in positive growth for both of you.
What Is Compromise in a Relationship?
At its core, compromise is a middle ground. It’s an agreement where each side gives up something they want to end the argument. As an example, when you buy a house, the seller has an asking price and, as the buyer, you have an amount you’re willing to pay. You and the seller negotiate a final price somewhere in the middle: less than the original asking price and more than the least amount you’re willing to pay. You’ve each given something up (your ideal price point) to reach an agreement (buying and selling the house).
In a relationship, compromise is finding that middle ground between each partner’s desires. It generally means you’re being asked to:
- Change (your expectations, behaviors, or schedule)
- Create space
- Give something up
- Take something on
Some compromise isn’t a big deal, say, walking the dog when it isn’t your turn because your partner is busy at work. When a compromise means we have to do or stop doing things we want, we may feel irritated or disappointed (like walking the dog every morning because your partner’s work schedule has changed). Part of life is having to sometimes do the things we don’t want to.
But other compromises feel bigger, and that can be a sign that it conflicts with your personal values, needs, or sense of self, and you should examine it.
Healthy Compromise
A healthy compromise is when two individuals with different perspectives reach a mutual solution. Often, this means both partners give something up to ensure they’re on the same page. In a healthy relationship, partners can and should talk about their desires, express what they want most out of the compromise, and devise an outcome that both partners feel is fair and respectful. In other words, it is a solution that everyone is OK with.
Healthy compromises benefit both partners and maintain a mutual respect for each other’s values, core beliefs, boundaries, and feelings. Compromise can look like many things, including:
- Planning date night
- Learning and expressing each other’s love languages
- Dividing chores
- Deciding how to split the holidays
- How to raise kids
- Managing finances
- Planning vacations
- Supporting each other’s goals, aspirations, and personal growth
But how can you tell that your solution is a healthy compromise? Here’s what to look for.
Mutual Sacrifice and Agreement
Many healthy relationships include one person who’s naturally more giving or more flexible, and that’s fine as long as that person is OK with the sacrifices. However, when one person is constantly and consistently sacrificing, or the more giving person starts to feel resentful, problems can develop.
Healthy compromise includes mutual sacrifice and agreements on what each person gives up. To be clear, this doesn’t mean each partner gives up the same or similar. There may be times when one partner sacrifices more than the other, and that’s OK, as long as it isn’t all the time.
Intentions Are Good
Even the most healthy relationship has its off days because each person has their off days and that’s OK. But even when you or your partner are feeling grumpy, you’ll still compromise because you know it’s best for the relationship.
Each Partner Stays Unique
Compromise means giving something up, but that shouldn’t include important parts of your identity. A healthy compromise lets you maintain the unique things that make you who you are. For example, if you aren’t a fan of Jazz music but your partner is, a healthy compromise may look like you agreeing to go to two concerts a year. You don’t have to love the music, but you’re willing to go to support your partner.
Communication Stays Open
Frequent and respectful communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. It allows each person to share deep parts of themselves and to give truthful, honest feedback to each other.
As couples discuss how to implement compromise, they must communicate openly, honestly, and safely. Otherwise, they may not be able to reach a mutually beneficial agreement.
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Unhealthy Compromise
Unhealthy compromise happens when one or both people feel like they’re the one doing all of the compromising, and resentment builds. It may be that the relationship is reflecting one partner’s priorities, desires, and values while neglecting the other person. This can break down trust, support, and connection, damaging each other’s mental health and turning a healthy relationship into an unhealthy one.
It’s One-Sided
While there may be times when one partner does more of the compromising than the other, it shouldn’t happen all of the time. Unhealthy compromise is very one-sided, with one partner always sacrificing their wants, needs, and even their authentic selves for their partner’s happiness.
Lingering Resentment
Resentment or even anger over compromises can turn healthy compromises into unhealthy ones. It often happens when the compromises feel one-sided, but resentment or anger can develop even when compromises are equal between partners
You Can’t Be Authentic
Sacrifice is a part of compromise, but when you feel you can’t be your authentic self or that you have to give up the things that make you unique, the compromises are unhealthy. Using the jazz example, if you feel that you have to go to all of the concerts to make your partner happy, you may be making unhealthy compromises.
Never Compromise Your Deal Breakers
Deal breakers are behaviors, values, or characteristics of a potential long-term partner that you fundamentally disagree with and are rooted in your core beliefs, values, and boundaries. While some deal-breakers can be flexible during a compromise, others are not and should never be. Compromising over a rigid deal breaker to avoid conflict is an unhealthy compromise that can quickly lead to other conflicts and personal turmoil in the long run.
Sometimes you can tell when a compromise has put a core belief on trial because we experience cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is that uncomfortable twinge we feel when we experience inconsistencies or contradictions between what we think or believe and what we do.
Tips for Reaching Healthy Compromise
If you’ve noticed your relationship has some unhealthy compromise or you want to improve how you and your partner approach compromising, these tips can help you reach a mutually beneficial compromise.
Give to Win
A healthy compromise is rooted in the balance. You have to be willing to put something out there and have it change. If only one person gives and the other doesn’t, resentment and anger will build. A willingness to compromise by giving something up demonstrates fairness and respect for your partner and their wants.
Calm and Open Communication
It’s not always easy to maintain one’s cool while negotiating a compromise, but calm and open communication will help you listen and consider each other’s perspectives. If one or the both of you are angry or frustrated, take a break and come back when everyone is in a better place.
Negotiate Up
Compromise can feel a lot like a subtraction of needs. While talking about what you can give, also talk about what you will gain. Negotiating up and focusing on what you can gain from a mutually acceptable solution can help balance the feeling of subtraction.
Clarify Priorities
We may not know why our partner is more flexible in some areas and dig their heels in the sand in others, and not knowing why can lead to arguments comparing different compromises. “You did __ for ___. Why can’t you do ___ for ___?”
Here is a simple exercise to learn about each other’s flexible and inflexible values and priorities:
Do not do this activity in the midst of a conflict. It is most impactful when done in a time of peace where you are both calm and receptive to one another.
- You each have a piece of paper where you draw a smaller circle in the middle and a larger circle around it (a donut shape). The small area is your inflexible area, and the larger outside area is your flexible area.
- The inside oval will contain the ideas, needs, and values you absolutely cannot compromise on and can include your deal-breakers. The outside oval will contain the ideas, needs, and values you feel more flexible with. Fill them in.
- Share this activity with your partner and ask each other some of the questions below that feel good to you:
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- Can you help me understand why your “inflexible” needs or values are so important to you?
- What are your guiding feelings here?
- What feelings and goals do we have in common? How might these goals be accomplished?
- Help me understand your flexible areas. Let’s see which ones we have in common.
- How can I help you to meet your core needs?
- What temporary compromise can we reach on this problem?
Accept Help
Learning to compromise takes practice. When we feel like we are sacrificing parts of ourselves as an individual for the sake of the relationship, our safety, trust, and fulfillment can be on unstable ground.
Trouble communicating our desires and feeling balance in your relationship can be helped by seeking a mental health professional or couples counselor for support. When we learn how to compromise in a supportive environment and reap the benefits in our relationship, compromise won’t feel negative or scary but rather a vital step toward a happier relationship.
Contact us today to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation, and we’ll help you learn how to value your own feelings and your partner’s throughout your relationship.
