Infidelity is a major betrayal of trust that results in an overwhelming sense of grief and loss. It’s often difficult for the betrayed partner to know if they will ever recover the sense of love and emotional well-being they once felt. Deciding when to walk away after infidelity or stay in the relationship is further complicated by outside influences, like your personal belief system, religion, or the opinion of friends and family.
When You Should Consider Walking Away
Between the shock, betrayal, grief, and other complicated emotions you’re experiencing, deciding to stay or walk away after infidelity is challenging. Give yourself the space to experience them while you’re considering your options, but don’t let them take over. For many, that’s easier said than done, so here’s what to consider before you walk away.
They Won’t End It
Whether it’s physical or emotional, if the unfaithful partner won’t end the affair, walking away may be the best choice. Both of you must be “all in” on the relationship and the healing process. If your romantic partner won’t leave their affair partner, that’s their choice, and for your own healing, self-respect, and self-esteem, you should walk away from the relationship.
They Minimize What Happened
Infidelity is painful, but if your partner insists it was a one-time mistake and you should “get over it” or “stop overreacting” you should consider walking away. Failing to take responsibility for their choices or not showing remorse for their actions indicates they aren’t committed to healing.
They Won’t Talk About It
No matter how remorseful or sorry your partner claims to be about the infidelity, refusing to talk about what happened is a sign it’s time to walk away. While skipping some of the details may be better for the recovery process, your partner must be willing to discuss the circumstances that led to the infidelity openly and honestly in order to rebuild trust and move forward.
It’s Not the First Time
Some acts of infidelity are truly one-time instances. However, not all are, and if this isn’t the first time an infidelity has occurred, it may be time to walk away, especially if they promised to change after last time.
They Refuse Couples Therapy
Surviving infidelity is a serious challenge to any relationship, one a couple is unlikely to recover from without professional help. If one partner refuses to attend couples therapy, you should consider walking away, but also consider individual therapy for your own personal growth.
Should I Walk Away After Infidelity Quiz
This quiz is designed to help you reflect on your relationship and gain clarity about whether couples counseling might be a helpful next step in recovering from infidelity. There are no right or wrong answers — only honest ones.
This quiz is for informational purposes only and is not a diagnostic tool. It can help you reflect on whether individual therapy might be beneficial for you. For a professional assessment, please schedule a consultation with one of our therapists.
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Stages of Healing After Infidelity
Couples can and do survive infidelity, working through the stages of healing. Getting through these stages is critical and takes time, often requiring the help of couples therapy or marriage counseling.
The Gottman Method has a trust revival method for couples working through an affair recovery, to restore trust and rebuild the relationship.
Stage 1 – Atonement
In the atonement phase, the betrayed partner has the opportunity to verbalize their feelings and ask questions about the affair. The unfaithful partner is encouraged to actively listen to their partner and process what they say to answer the questions honestly as well as to express genuine remorse.
Stage 2 – Attunement
Attunement is the rebuilding phase. Both partners analyze what went wrong, mourn the loss of what they had, and work together to rebuild something new. In this phase, the couple works as a team to shift their communication styles, ensuring they are listening to each other while they heal.
Stage 3 – Attachment
Finally, in attachment, the focus shifts to rebuilding physical intimacy and sexual connection. To be clear, much of the work is verbal, not physical. Together, the couple discusses what physical connection will look like, defines their commitment to the relationship, and establishes boundaries and consequences to ensure psychological safety as the relationship progresses.
Common Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity
If you both decide staying together is right, each partner must move forward in the spirit of rebuilding trust and healing the relationship, but it’s equally important to be mindful of the potential pitfalls of a reconciliation after infidelity.
Defensiveness
Both partners must let their guard down and objectively examine their relationship and the part they may have played in its breakdown. Blaming, defending, and anger only further damage the relationship, making it far less likely you’ll move forward after an affair.
Defending the Affair Partner
If you’re the unfaithful partner, your romantic partner will have feelings about your affair partner. It’s critical to give them the space to process those feelings — no matter how painful — and that you don’t defend or protect the affair partner.
Avoiding Embarrassing or Painful Questions
Avoiding difficult conversations is natural, but they must happen. Doing so helps process bitterness and resentment and move beyond them, while failing to discuss the difficult aspects of an affair will make it challenging, if not impossible, to move forward.
Forcing Intimacy
Intimacy too early in the repair process could be more harmful than healing. It can traumatize the betrayed partner, who may feel unattractive or unattracted to their partner. Take your time and work on rebuilding trust and intimacy. Your relationship was not built in a day, and repair will not happen overnight.
Looking for a Quick Fix
No two couples are alike, so there is no “one size fits all” approach to couples therapy in general or affair recovery. Don’t be discouraged. Healing will happen at your own pace on a timeline that’s specific to you and your partner. Rushing the process is far more likely to delay positive results.
Professional Guidance Can Help
Leaving a relationship where infidelity occurred isn’t a failure, and staying isn’t weak. Most people in a committed relationship believe neither partner will stray. But if it happens, feeling a range of emotions is normal. Allow yourself to experience them, but don’t let them guide your decision to stay or walk away, and consider counseling to help you make the decision.
The team of licensed couples therapists and counselors at Anchor Light Couples and Family Therapy is here to provide you with the professional support and objective guidance you and your partner need to navigate and survive infidelity in your relationship. Schedule your free consultation today.
