There are many differences among genders, especially when it comes to sex. One thing that can cultivate connection or create distance is the experience we have with our lover. An unfulfilling sexual experience is felt by both partners and can harm the foundation that keeps a relationship healthy and stable.
Most people think the key to becoming a better lover is great sex, but there’s much more to it than that. Emotional connection, sexual connection, and attraction are all key components to having a strong, intimate relationship.
What Makes Someone a Good Lover?
One crucial part of being a great lover is being responsible for how you feel. Our behaviors and actions directly influence our partner’s satisfaction and dissatisfaction. When we put effort into ourselves and the relationship, it inspires our partner to do the same. How we feel comes down to autonomy and the few things we can be in charge of.
It’s essential to concentrate on the thoughts and actions that create the world for ourselves and our partner. Doing this makes us content in our own skin and more desirable. We won’t always get it right, but that’s part of being human.
How to Become a Better Lover
Being a good lover is more than being good in bed. Being a great lover starts outside the bedroom.
Think back to when you first started dating. The beginning of a new relationship is when we show the best version of ourselves. As your relationship progresses from casual to more serious, you build mutual trust and respect. This is a good thing because it helps the relationship to mature into something long-lasting. And when you’re in a lasting, committed relationship, you’re often comfortable with your partner, which is also good because it gives you space to show the less-than-perfect parts of yourself.
But being comfortable can lead to you and your partner being in a routine, like always eating dinner at 5:00 or one of you always taking out the trash. Having a routine is fine for garbage night, but that’s not always the case with the romantic part of your relationship.
Here’s how to be a better lover in your relationship (and some of the tips may not be what you think).
Start With Communication
Ask your partner what their wants and needs are. Do they still like X and Y, or are they more interested in A and B? Being on the same page will make sex more fun.
But don’t just focus on what your partner enjoys in the bedroom. Also ask your partner about their wants and needs when it comes to what makes them feel loved and appreciated or what makes them fearful in any relationship. Understanding these deeper aspects will lead to greater sexual pleasure for both of you.
Know What You Want
Before you talk to your partner, know your needs inside and outside the bedroom. Explore what makes you feel happy, satisfied, and safe. This will allow you to be more open and vulnerable as well as knowledgeable about your own pleasure, which can result in a more meaningful and productive conversation.
Validate Their Feelings
Not everyone is comfortable talking about sex and relationships due to their past experiences. And some people have desires or fantasies that they may not be comfortable sharing, fearing they may be judged. Likewise, they may be uncomfortable with what you want.
Validating your partner’s feelings will allow them to feel safe opening up and exploring what works and doesn’t work for both of you. Let them know that you’re open to hearing what they have to say and talking through it.
However, “validating” doesn’t mean “going along with everything.” Some things may be off limits for you or your partner, whether that’s a physical act or discussing an emotional topic. If you or your partner are uncomfortable, you need to respect those boundaries. Violating them will only lead to distrust and negative feelings, which can harm your relationship in the long run.
Use Touch to Connect
Touch is an integral part of how we share emotion with others. It can deliver messages of love, gratitude, warmth, and happiness and helps build passion, chemistry, and increased arousal.
Set an alarm so you can cuddle in bed for a few minutes each morning or have a long hug before leaving for work. If you’re not morning people, consider holding hands at the end of the day while you talk about work or offering a short neck massage. If you both work at home or have unusual schedules, try to kiss between meetings or after lunch.
And if none of these are an option, a simple text telling them you can’t wait to see and hug them can do the trick. Sometimes, it’s the thought that counts!
Go Outside the Bedroom
Whether it’s taking a walk, going to the movies, or a long romantic dinner, spending time together will improve and strengthen your connection as a couple and will help build the emotional intimacy that can be crucial to sexual connection.
Know Your and Your Partner’s Love Language
Your love language is how you like to express and receive love in your relationship, but not all couples speak the same love language. Knowing your and your partner’s love languages will improve how you express your love and feelings for each other.
Make a Move
Sometimes, you can’t wait for the stars to align perfectly, so you have to make things happen.
One way to make the first move is to pose a fun question to your partner. A simple “What if I kissed you right now” can initiate playful energy between a couple. If you’re looking for something more passionate, you may make eye contact with your partner and tell them, “I’ve been dying to kiss you all day!” You can also make the first move without words by softly touching areas of your partner’s body.
One crucial aspect of initiating sex is to pay attention to your partner’s body language. Do they look ready? Is this the right time? Is there something about what they’re doing with their body that tells you they’re ready for this? Look for open body language cues (arms away from the body, sitting up tall). If they seem closed off (arms crossed, not making eye contact, withdrawn), now might not be the time to initiate sex. Consent from both partners is sexy!
Be In the Moment
Whether you’re in the bedroom or watching a movie together, being present and in the moment will help you be a better lover. So, don’t think about the bills that need to be paid or that meeting at work. Focus on your partner and the activity. This mindfulness will help you and your partner feel connected, engaged, and cared for.
Change Your Routine
Do you find that you have sex at the same time, on the same day, in the same space, in the same position? You may not even realize that lovemaking has become routine, so change it up! If you always have sex at night, try to initiate sex in the morning or the middle of the day. If you use sex as a weekend activity, try it during the week to escape the monotony of your work schedule. Integrating different sex toys and positions is also a great way to change things up and keep things interesting.
Set the Mood
It’s easy to let laundry pile up and slip back into an unmade bed. While an unkempt bedroom isn’t the end of the world, it’s not the most inviting environment for intimacy. Before getting intimate, clean up your space so that there’s nothing to distract you or your lover. To make the mood even more intimate, soften the lighting in the room and light some candles.
Go to Bed Naked
Sometimes, skin-on-skin contact is enough to spark the mood between a couple. So, if you’re in the mood, ditch the sweats and sleep in your birthday suit! To make things even more special and to create a greater sensory experience, splurge on a nice set of sheets (higher thread count, satin) to cuddle in after sex.
Take It Slow
Sometimes, we rush through sex to get to the result (who doesn’t want to have an orgasm?), and sometimes, we rush through just to check it off the list. Instead, slow down and spend some time in foreplay.
Think about prioritizing your partner’s pleasure. Ask them what they want and do it slowly and intentionally. Be curious about your partner’s body. Be more present, putting the goal of orgasm in the back of your mind and focusing on making your partner feel good in the moment.
Create a Pleasure Tool Kit
There’s nothing wrong with getting a little help in the bedroom from some outside sources. A great way to set you and your lover up for success is to create a pleasure toolkit or a “treasure chest” of items that may help you explore your sexuality and keep things interesting.
Having this at the ready can promote spontaneity. A fun date idea may be shopping with your lover for items to put in your pleasure tool kit. Who knows what you might find to make your next evening more interesting!
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Tips for LGBTQ+ Relationships
The above tips work for almost every kind of relationship, including LGPTQ+ relationships. But here are a few extra tips.
Be Transparent
Are you a top or a bottom? Dominant? Submissive? Make sure your partner knows this from the start. Are there techniques or different positions you want to try with your partner? Be vocal with your partner about what you desire. You may even inspire them to talk with you about how you can support what they need.
Respect Your Differences
Everyone’s coming out journey is different. You may be out to everyone while your lover isn’t out to all of their friends and family. Having a conversation about where they and you are in their journey can create a stronger bond between the two of you. The same holds true in terms of being a better lover. Sexually, your partner may not be as experienced as you or vice versa. Whether the intention is to catch up, maintain comfort zones, or work toward trying something new in your love life, meeting each other where you’re at and respecting the differences is instrumental in becoming a better lover.
Consider Professional Assistance
Whether you’ve tried some, all, or none of these tips, you may find that things still aren’t clicking in the bedroom. In that case, consider connecting with an experienced sex therapist.
Working with someone with expertise in navigating complex and intimate relationship concerns can help you overcome obstacles and find the harmony you’re looking for.
