Whether you’ve been together for a long time or had a whirlwind romance, being engaged means planning a life together. And no matter what you think your marriage should look like, if you and your partner haven’t had in-depth conversations about it, you may not realize you and your intended have very different ideas of what life together looks like.
Sometimes people make assumptions about where their partner stands, and if they don’t agree on certain things right now, someday they will. But deal breakers are deal breakers for a reason, and “some day” may never come. Addressing these issues in premarital counseling helps you learn how to discuss important topics, come to a healthy and balanced compromise, and choose the best path forward for you and your partner.
101 Premarital Counseling Questions to Discuss Before Getting Married
Good premarital questions are those that lead to a deeper understanding of one another and what you value in a marriage. Some of those questions will be unique to you, your relationships, and your expectations.
Below are just some of the premarital counseling questions that can help you and your partner facilitate conversations about the big topics now to help you gain clarity on where each of you stands, but you can download the rest at the end of this list.
Premarital Counseling Questions About Yourself
1. What did love look like in your house growing up?
2. Was it safe to be angry in your family, or did you learn to hide it?
3. When you get really hurt or scared, what do you do? Go quiet, blow up, shut down, or cling?
4. Does your partner actually know what you are like at your worst?
5. What are you genuinely good at in this relationship?
Premarital Counseling Questions About Your Relationship
6. Who tends to push for more closeness, and who tends to pull back?
7. When things get tense, do you move toward each other or away from each other?
8. Can you hear something critical from your partner without shutting down or getting defensive?
9. Can your partner hear hard things from you, and do you know how to say them without causing a fight?
10. What does your partner do that makes you feel safe enough to be honest, and what makes that safety disappear?
Premarital Counseling Questions About Your Childhood
11. What is one thing you saw in your parents’ relationship that you never want in yours?
12. Was power in your home something that got shared, or did one person hold it over everyone else?
13. What is your relationship with your parents like right now, and how do you think marriage will change it?
Premarital Counseling Questions About Kids and Parenting
14. Do you both actually want children, and have you talked about what happens if you disagree?
15. If either of you has kids already, have you had an honest conversation about what that means for your relationship?
16. What kind of parent do you want to be, and what will you do when you and your partner disagree about the kids?
17. How were you disciplined growing up, and how do you feel about that now?
Premarital Counseling Questions About Money and Finances
18. What did money mean in your house growing up, and how does that still affect you?
19. Is money about security, freedom, power, love, or something else for you?
20. Will you combine your finances, keep them separate, or some combination?
21. How will you make big money decisions together, and what happens when you see it differently?
22. What does feeling financially secure actually mean to you, and does your partner define it the same way?
Premarital Counseling Questions About Careers, Ambition, and Daily Life
23. How important is career success to you, and does that match your partner’s values?
24. What happens when work and your relationship compete for your time and energy?
25. What if one of your careers asks the other person to give something up, like having to move or spending less time together?
26. How will you split household responsibilities, and have you actually agreed on what fair looks like?
Premarital Counseling Questions About Sex and Physical Intimacy
27. How do you want your spouse to express love and affection?
28. How important is sex to you in a relationship, and can you talk honestly about it when something is not working?
29. What are your expectations or boundaries around relationships outside of the marriage, such as friendships or co-worker relationships?
30. What will you do if your sex drives do not match over time?
Premarital Counseling Questions About Your Emotional Connection
31. What do you appreciate most about your partner?
32. What do you value about your relationship?
33. How do you show love, and does your partner actually feel it?
34. Can you let your partner really see you, or do you keep part of yourself tucked away?
Premarital Counseling Questions About Fighting and Making Up
35. What does a bad fight between you actually look like?
36. Can you genuinely apologize when you have hurt your partner, or do you mostly apologize to make the tension stop?
37. How do you handle the things you genuinely disagree about and probably always will?
Premarital Counseling Questions About What Marriage Means to You
38. Why is marriage important to you and your relationship?
39. Who are your positive relationship role models for marriage? Whose marriage do you admire and why?
40. How do you define a happy, loving, and fulfilling marriage?
41. What does getting married actually mean to you, beyond the wedding?
42. What do you think you owe each other once you are married?
Premarital Counseling Questions About the Big Picture
43. What scares you most about getting married?
44. What excites you most?
45. What do you want your marriage to look like in 20 years?
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Is Premarital Counseling Important?
Couples who share similar values, communicate effectively, and have a good friendship are more likely to enjoy their romantic relationship and build a marriage that lasts. But even with a solid foundation, you probably don’t have all the answers. Premarital counseling can help you and your partner explore your differences on important issues and come to a mutual understanding.
You might know that both of you want children, and a premarital therapist can help you discuss your vision of family and what you expect from each other as partners and parents. Some couples may wonder how to handle the future, like balancing a big career with a new marriage, while blended families need to discuss effective parenting and coparenting strategies.
Other big questions you can safely explore in premarital counseling include:
- How you define fidelity and commitment
- How you’ll engage with your parents and in-laws
- Expectations around jobs and careers
- How you spend money and manage finances
No matter what your unique situation is, premarital counseling is an opportunity to get to know your significant other even better, build the skills that keep your marriage healthy during difficult times, and help you talk about challenging topics.
Should We Go to Couples Counseling Quiz
This quiz is designed to help you and your partner reflect on your relationship and gain clarity about whether couples counseling might be a helpful next step. There are no right or wrong answers — only honest ones.
Take this quiz individually, then compare your answers. Noticing where your perceptions differ can itself be a powerful conversation starter.
This quiz is for informational purposes only and is not a diagnostic tool. It can help you reflect on whether individual therapy might be beneficial for you. For a professional assessment, please schedule a consultation with one of our therapists.
This quiz contains 15 questions. Your responses are private. To see your results, enter your email after the quiz. We'll also send your results and some helpful information to your inbox.
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What Happens in a Premarital Counseling Session?
Premarital couples counseling questions can include anything and everything! It’s an opportunity to talk about concerns and ask questions on any topic related to your future with your significant other.
When you’re planning to spend the rest of your lives together, addressing present and future challenges is critical. Couples often assume they’re on the same page, but, through premarital counseling, come to learn they aren’t. This isn’t a red flag and doesn’t mean you’ve found the wrong person! Instead, it is an opportunity for growth and a chance to discuss and resolve these things now before they’re a problem.
Your therapist will ask you premarital counseling questions to help facilitate the honest conversations you may have been avoiding or not thought of yet. It’s a great way to explore complex topics like:
- Religion
- Money, debt, and finances
- Sex
- Health
- Career
- Children
- Division of household labor
- Friends
- Family
You will also gain insight into your significant other’s behavior as well as your own, and develop tools for effectively resolving conflicts and improving communication.
How Many Sessions of Premarital Counseling Are There?
Most couples attend between five and 10 sessions of premarital counseling. These sessions are once a week or once every other week. The amount of time spent in premarital counseling depends on you and your specific relationship goals.
Couples who have been together for a long time or have a history of trauma may have more history to examine and conflicts to address or resolve. They may engage in therapy for a longer period of time.
Couples who are still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship may not have a history of past conflicts that need resolution. However, they can benefit from having a structured environment to talk about their future together. They may use therapy as an opportunity to discuss the important premarital counseling questions they have not yet explored. And some couples may want to use the time with a premarital counselor to improve their communication and coping tools.
How Should I Answer Premarital Counseling Questions?
The best way to answer premarital counseling questions is honestly. This can be challenging if you shy away from disagreements or difficult conversations. But the point of premarital counseling is to put it all on the table and work things out now instead of later.
Marriage is an opportunity to experience a deep and authentic life-long connection with your spouse, and the best way to accomplish that is to be your true self and ask for what you need from a relationship. Conflict can be uncomfortable, but it’s an opportunity for growth and to establish a deeper connection with your partner.
Premarital counseling can help you establish positive communication patterns, mutual respect, and deep trust now, reducing any future conflict and damage to your marriage.
Answering Premarital Counseling Questions Helps You Stay Married
You and the person you marry will grow and evolve throughout your lives together. All marriages will experience difficulties and tough times, and the goal of premarital counseling is not to avoid these challenges but instead to develop the tools to face them and overcome obstacles without turning away from one another.
Premarital counseling can help get you started on the right foot and support you in maintaining the health of your relationship for the duration. Your therapist can teach you skills for addressing emotional conversations, create a safe environment where you can feel free to bring up difficult topics, and help you improve your communication. These skills will serve you throughout your married life.
