When you think about your closest relationships, you may think of your parents, best friend, or romantic partner. These close relationships are important to our mental health. They provide us with the love and support we need to live happy, healthy lives.
And while they’re important, they aren’t always perfect, which is normal. But what happens when the imperfections in a romantic relationship create a wedge you aren’t aware of? It can lead you or your partner to fill those gaps elsewhere, including having an affair. And while we often think of an affair as physical, emotional affairs can be just as damaging.
Difference Between Physical and Emotional Affairs
Physical affairs involve physical intimacy. For most couples, that can include anything from kissing to sex. Emotional affairs, sometimes called emotional infidelity, are different. They are about the intimate bond and feelings that happen when you develop a deep emotional connection with another person.
Even though emotional affairs don’t include physical intimacy (outside of a hug, perhaps), they can be just as damaging as a physical one. The connection and intensity someone feels often creates secrecy, emotional distance, and trust issues within their primary relationship.
What Causes an Emotional Affair?
Emotional affairs often happen because one partner’s emotional needs aren’t being met. They may need more emotional intimacy than their current partner is capable or willing to provide, so they seek emotional validation outside their committed relationship.
Often, though, people don’t realize that’s what’s happening. They may feel angry or dissatisfied, but can’t quite identify why. As they develop and maintain platonic friendships, they also develop emotional connections which can unintentionally cross the line from platonic relationship into emotional affair.
Is It an Emotional Affair?
This quiz is designed to help you reflect on your friendship and understand if you may be having an emotional affair.
This quiz is for informational purposes only and is not a diagnostic tool. It can help you reflect on whether individual therapy might be beneficial for you. For a professional assessment, please schedule a consultation with one of our therapists.
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Your Results
How Is an Emotional Affair Different From Friendship?
People confide in their friends all the time, sometimes about things they can’t talk to their romantic partner about, and may even talk about their romantic partner. So, when does a platonic friendship cross the line into emotional infidelity, especially when many emotional affairs start as a friendship?
Friendships are:
- Supportive, not romantic. While you and your friends support each other emotionally and practically, the emotional investment isn’t as intense. You share common interests, encourage each other, and may feel affection or love, but the feelings remain platonic.
- Open. Your romantic partner knows about your friends and your relationship with them. There’s no attempt to hide who they are, when and where you spend time with them, or what activities you do when your romantic partner isn’t there.
- Strengthens bonds. Having close friendships outside of your primary relationship is important for you and your partner. They help you maintain an identity outside of the relationship and can help you appreciate your romantic partner.
- Have appropriate boundaries. A friendship has appropriate physical and emotional boundaries. Physical contact never crosses into sexual, and while you may vent about your partner’s shortcomings, you never cross the line and share intimate information that should remain private.
Emotional affairs have:
- Deep emotional connection. A romantic partner can’t fill all of your emotional needs, which is why we have friends. But a friendship can veer into emotional infidelity when a friend fills in many of the emotional gaps you think are missing in your romantic relationship.
- Secrecy. Your romantic partner may know this other person exists, but not always. And if they do know about the friendship, you may hide details about it, like how often you get together or what you discuss.
- Lack of boundaries. While your encounters don’t cross the line physically, emotionally, you violate the trust your primary partner places in you. You may discuss intimate details of your relationship with your friend or do more than occasionally vent about your relationship frustrations.
- Romantic feelings. Over time, your feelings shift from platonic to romantic. You may have sexual fantasies about your friend or start dreaming about a future with them instead of your romantic partner.
Signs You May Be in An Emotional Affair
Many relationships are innocent, platonic friendships that stay that way for as long as the relationship lasts. But when a friendship starts developing into something deeper, you may be having an emotional affair. Here are the signs to look out for.
Frequent Sharing
The instant you have something to share — good news, bad news, interesting gossip, or family drama — the first person you think of is your friend, not your partner. Over time, you may share more information with your friend, leaving your partner in the dark about important aspects of your life.
Shifting Focus
Whenever you daydream or make solid plans, you think more about including your friend, not your partner. You may plan activities and outings you know your partner has no interest in, but your friend does and may even develop hobbies and interests that align with your friend’s interests for the sole purpose of spending more time with them.
Feeling Understood
Friendships start crossing the line when you feel like your friend “gets you” more than your partner does. While you may have more in common with your friend than your romantic partner, if these differences make you resentful or dislike your partner, you may be in an emotional affair.
Oversharing
Talking about some intimate details of your life with friends is normal, but there are boundaries. For example, you may not talk about every sexual encounter or your partner’s worst habits. But in an emotional affair, you may cross this boundary without realizing what’s happening because sharing these details makes you more open and vulnerable while deepening your emotional attachment to another person.
Keeping Secrets
Open communication is the key to any relationship, platonic or romantic. But when you start lying about your friendship or keeping secrets, you may have crossed the line. Keep in mind, while direct lies are the most obvious sign, lies of omission count, too. If you say you’re going out “with friends” and neglect to mention that this particular person will be there, you may be in an emotional affair.
Signs Your Partner May Be Having an Emotional Affair
As difficult as it is to tell if you’re having an emotional affair, it can be just as difficult to tell if your romantic partner is in one. The signs are subtle, but here are some red flags to watch out for. Your partner:
- Spends far more time at work or work-related activities than usual
- Engages in activities without you — whether or not you may be interested in it
- Gushes about a close friend and how connected they are
- Negatively compares you to their friend
- You feel emotionally disconnected from your partner
How an Emotional Affair Impacts Relationships
Emotional affairs can be just as devastating as physical ones, and may cause a complete breakdown of the relationship. It can cause:
- Feelings of betrayal
- Loss of trust
- Damage to other relationships (like with children)
- Difficulty forming future relationships
- Guilt, shame, anger
- Loss of self-confidence
How to Recover From an Emotional Affair
Emotional affairs rarely happen spontaneously and are usually driven by unaddressed emotional needs. But whether you or your partner engaged in an emotional affair, it is possible to rebuild trust and your relationship.
Establish and Maintain Boundaries
You and your partner may need to establish and maintain new boundaries for behaving in your relationship and outside relationships. For example, you may decide that every Sunday night is family dinner night, and you and your partner must eat dinner at home.
Communicate Openly
Change how you communicate with your partner. Share more details about your life. Even the most mundane details can help reestablish and strengthen your emotional connection.
Seek Professional Help
The impact of an emotional affair on a relationship can be devastating and hard for some to recover from. If you or your partner is having difficulty moving past the sense of betrayal, consider seeking couples counseling to support you through this time.
Rebuild Trust and Your Relationship
Emotional affairs may start unintentionally, but the impact on a relationship is no less devastating. The anger and betrayal can be hard to recover from, but it is possible to start over.
If your relationship has been damaged by an emotional affair, we can help. The compassionate team of couples counselors at Anchor Light Couples and Family Therapy can help you and your partner rediscover each other and work toward a stronger relationship.
Schedule a free consultation today and take the first steps toward healing your relationship.
