When it comes to disciplining your child, having more than one method in your parenting toolkit can help you choose the right solution for any situation. You’ve probably heard of time-outs and even time-ins. But when it comes to giving a time out vs. a time in, which one should you choose?
Time outs and time ins are similar in that you remove a misbehaving child from the situation. The difference lies in what you do afterward. Do you leave your child alone and let them calm down on their own, or do you stay with them while they calm down?
There’s a lot of debate on the subject, with some arguing that one method is better than the other. However, time-ins and time-outs can improve your child’s behavior when implemented correctly.
Why Does My Child Misbehave?
Before implementing a behavioral correction, you need to understand why your child misbehaves.
Children often misbehave not because they want to but because they haven’t yet developed skills like impulse control and emotional regulation. Without these skills, children may make poor decisions that seem like bad behavior then lose their cool when a parent confronts them about it.
As frustrating as a child’s misbehavior can be, punishing them doesn’t undress the underlying issue (underdeveloped skills) and can create more problems than it solves. A more effective approach is to identify the root cause of your child’s misbehavior and start from there to correct it.
What Is a Time-Out?
A time-out is when you remove your child from a situation where they are misbehaving. For example, you might have your child sit quietly on a step for their time or go to a separate room and close the door.
The time out lasts for a set period of time, say five or 10 minutes, depending on the child’s age and what they’ve done. For example, not sharing with a sibling might require five minutes of time-out, while hitting a sibling might need 10 minutes.
During the time-out, your child sits quietly (or lies on the floor or in their bed) and doesn’t interact with anyone or play with any games or toys. If the child doesn’t stay in time out or follow the rules, you extend how long they stay in time out.
The general idea behind a time-out is that it gets your child out of a stressful situation and gives them time to calm down. Once they’re calm, you can discuss what happened and how they should behave.
Criticisms and Challenges of Time-Outs
Time-outs began as an alternative to corporal and punitive punishments, such as spanking a child during a tantrum. However, while time-outs can be effective at improving a child’s behavior, they’ve been criticized for creating more problems they solve.
Much of the controversy can be traced back to Timeouts Are Hurting Your Child, an article Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson wrote for Time magazine in 2014. In it, they say a time-in may be the better approach, stating that time-outs don’t teach children how to behave appropriately or help them build essential emotional skills. They go on to say that isolating a child in a time-out causes “relational pain,” which looks similar to physical pain on a brain scan.
Siegel and Bryson published a follow-up piece explaining that time-outs are not like child abuse and can be successful at changing behavior if they are implemented correctly. Unfortunately, many parents don’t use time-outs correctly, which often causes more inappropriate behavior.
Parents may leave a child in time out for too long, stay angry with their child after the time out is over, or let their child out of time out without discussing what went wrong and what the child should do differently. Then when their child misbehaves again, the parent is angry, puts their child in time-out, and nothing changes.
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What Are Time Ins?
A time-in is an alternative to time-outs. They’re similar in that when your child misbehaves, you remove them from the situation. But instead of isolating them, the parent stays with the child to support and comfort them. Once the child is calm, the parent helps the child identify their emotions and develop self-regulation skills to help them make better choices the next time they’re faced with a similar situation.
Criticisms and Challenges of Time-Ins
Unlike time-outs, time-ins have not been studied or tested, so there’s no empirical evidence that time-ins are more effective than time-outs or that a time-in improves or changes a child’s behavior.
One of the key challenges of correctly implementing a time-in is that the parent has to leave the situation and stay with the child during the time-in. This can be difficult when a parent has more than one child they’re responsible for.
Though a child may calm down and be able to discuss their poor behavior, they may also try to rationalize it or explain why they made the right choice, which could lead to further misbehavior. And if a parent doesn’t use age-appropriate language to talk through the situation or can’t adequately explain what’s happening, a time-in may not achieve the desired results.
Balancing Time In vs. Time Out
Even the most well-behaved child will act up every once in a while. Depending on the circumstance, a time-in or a time-out may be the appropriate response, so being open to both methods of discipline is an effective parenting strategy that can help you temper your child’s emotions.
When used occasionally and with intent, time-outs and time-ins can be an effective way to address a child’s poor behavior. Educating yourself on the benefits and limitations of time-ins and time-outs will help you implement the most effective solution for any given situation and help your child grow into a healthy and well-adjusted adult.
And if you’ve tried time-ins, time-outs, and other methods to discipline your child but haven’t seen positive change, we can help. Anchor Light Therapy’s skilled team of Seattle therapists is experienced in child therapy and parent coaching. Schedule your free consultation today.
