Codependency can happen in all kinds of relationships. The behaviors often start as a way to cope with a chaotic environment or incident, beginning with an effort to control the environment to feel safe. But what starts as a coping mechanism can become maladaptive, resulting in an unhealthy relationship for both parties.
But it’s not always easy to tell healthy behaviors from codependent patterns of behavior. When does supporting a friend or partner slip from healthy to codependent? How can you tell if your behaviors are crossing that line? And what if you recognize codependent behaviors in yourself? How do you stop?
What Is Codependency?
Codependency is when one person in a relationship becomes emotionally reliant on their partner. It’s different from a healthy relationship where the partners are close. In a codependent relationship, one partner relies on the other for their emotional needs, often prioritizing their partner’s needs and desires at the expense of their own.
Examples of Codependency in Relationships
Codependency looks different in platonic relationships compared to romantic relationships, but they share similar behaviors.
In a friendship, one friend may drop everything to help the other friend, no matter how large or small the problem. This goes beyond being a shoulder to cry on or offering a spare bedroom for a few days. The codependent friend does everything to “fix” their friend, prioritizing the friend’s emotional and practical needs over their own. For example, the codependent friend may binge-watch TV to “be there” for their friend but skip an important or even mandatory work event to be supportive.
In a romantic relationship, the codependent partner may sacrifice things that matter to them in order to please their partner. The codependent partner may attend their romantic partner’s bowling tournament to support them even if it means missing a family funeral.
Codependency vs. Interdependency
Codependency is sometimes confused with interdependency. However, interdependency is a healthy relationship pattern characterized by mutual respect and collaboration. Each partner has equal power in the relationship and takes steps to ensure that both are happy while contributing to each other’s happiness. In contrast, codependent relationships lack balance, with one partner relying on the other for their happiness while doing very little to find their own happiness outside of the relationship.
| Codependent Relationship | Interdependent Relationship |
|---|---|
| Deprioritizes their desires in favor of their partner’s | Respects the feelings and desires of both partners |
| Emotionally invested in their partner’s happiness above their own | Maintains their goals and desires while supporting and contributing to their partner’s |
| Attempts to “fix” problems and conflicts to keep the relationship intact | Feels secure in the relationship despite problems and conflicts |
| Ignores their feelings and lacks boundaries | Has clear, healthy boundaries and respects the feelings and individuality of each partner |
| May try to manipulate or control the relationship so they aren’t abandoned | Respects their partner’s emotions and feelings as valid |
Why Does Codependency Happen?
Codependency generally develops in individuals who grew up in tumultuous families. Often, personal boundaries were ignored, or their emotional needs were neglected. Children may develop codependent behaviors as a coping strategy, but as adults, these unhealthy behaviors are often motivated by a deep need to either care for others or because they fear being abandoned.
Someone who’s experienced trauma or abuse as a child or an adult can also develop codependent tendencies. They may feel a need for external validation or a deep desire to feel safe and secure. In some cases, codependent behaviors are formed by cultural or societal exceptions, like women internalizing the need to take care of others. Addiction and substance abuse can also contribute to codependency in a relationship with the codependent partner, enabling the addiction at their own expense so the addicted partner isn’t negatively impacted.
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Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship
Deciding if you’re in a codependent relationship isn’t always simple. In a healthy relationship, partners help and support each other — sometimes unequally — but that doesn’t always make your relationship codependent. If you’re not sure your behaviors are codependent or not, here’s what to look out for.
1. You Help Too Much
Being altruistic and helping others is normal, especially in a relationship. Feeling joyful or satisfied after helping is also normal. However, in a codependent relationship, you’re always helping your partner, often at your own expense.
2. You Feel Responsible for How Others Feel
Feeling concerned about your partner is part of a healthy relationship. When they’re sad, you might also feel sad, and when they’re happy, so are you. But feeling responsible for your partner’s happiness, sadness, or their overall emotional state crosses the line from healthy to unhealthy.
3. You Invest A Lot
Relationships are an investment of your time and emotions, and it’s reasonable for you to expect a return on your investment. Even healthy relationships aren’t 50/50 all the time, but when you’re doing all the emotional work in a relationship and receiving very little or nothing in return, you may be in a codependent relationship.
4. You Fear Being Abandoned
Codependent behaviors are often the result of anxiety and fear of being abandoned. Healthy relationships are founded on mutual trust and the belief that each person wants to be there. Likewise, not every relationship is meant to last, but you have difficulty accepting that.
5. You’re Only Happy When They’re Happy
Similar to feeling responsible for how your partner feels, you may also only feel good about yourself when your partner is happy — meaning your sense of self-worth and self-esteem is tied to how happy your partner is.
6. You Worry About What Others Think
How others perceive us is important. Your boss needs to trust you’ll complete your work, and your coworkers should consider you reliable. In a relationship, your partner needs to trust you. However, constantly worrying about what other people think of you is a problem. When that happens, you may make choices you hope will make other people like you or perceive you a specific way and not make the choices you want or are true to who you are.
7. You’re Afraid of Change
Change is an inevitable part of life, even in a relationship. Healthy relationships grow and change over time as each individual grows and evolves. But in a codependent relationship, one person fears change and engages in behaviors to stop it. You may worry the other person will outgrow you and no longer need you or leave because you’re not good enough.
8. You Need External Validation
External validation is when someone tells you what you’re doing is good or right. While external validation is important (and always nice to hear), it’s equally important to trust yourself and that you’re doing the right thing. For example, supporting your partner is usually the right thing to do in a relationship, and you shouldn’t need them to acknowledge your support. It becomes a problem when the only reason you’re supporting them is for them to tell you they appreciate it.
9. You Have Nothing Outside the Relationship
In a healthy relationship, each partner has outside friends, interests, activities, and hobbies. In a codependent relationship, one partner often lacks an outside identity and relies on the relationship and the other partner to define everything about them.
10. You Depend on Others to Choose For You
While most codependent behaviors look like doing things for others, sometimes it can look like depending on others to do things for you. You may be afraid of making the “wrong” choice and want to make sure you make the “right” one so you don’t upset your partner.
How to Stop Being Codependent
Just like it may have taken a long time to develop these behaviors, it may take time to overcome codependency, but it is possible. Here’s how to stop being codependent in any relationship.
1. Get to the Bottom of Things
Start by trying to figure out why you may have developed these behaviors. Perhaps you grew up in a household where fighting was common, but you learned that by doing better in school or playing a certain instrument, your home life wasn’t as turbulent.
2. Build Your Self Esteem
There may be some relationship between codependent behaviors and low self-esteem, so find healthy, positive ways to boost your self-esteem. Self-affirmations, meditation, and challenging negative thoughts can help.
3. Boundaries
Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries can also help you overcome codependency. Your partner may not realize they’re violating your boundaries, so it may be hard for them to change. Expressing how you want to be treated and learning to say “no,” ensures you put yourself first.
4. Examine Your Attachment Style
Our attachment style is often rooted in the relationship we had with our parents. How we learned to love, trust, and bond with others can impact how we love, trust, and bond with others as adults. People with an anxious attachment style often have a fear of abandonment and are more likely to develop codependent behaviors.
While you can’t change your childhood, it is possible to change your attachment style. Learning how to let go of your anxieties and trust in the relationship can help you overcome codependency in your relationship.
5. Get to Know Yourself Outside the Relationship
Another way to build your self-esteem and stop being codependent is to spend some time away from the relationship. Spending time alone or engaged in activities without your partner allows you to grow into a distinct individual with a healthy sense of self-worth.
6. Step Back
Finally, remember that you’re not responsible for making other people happy. While your direct behavior can impact how someone feels, it’s not up to you to fix a situation that doesn’t involve you. Supporting and consoling your partner is one thing, but you shouldn’t step in and take responsibility for improving or changing the situation so your partner feels better.
You Can Overcome Codependency
Eliminating codependent patterns of behavior is possible once you’re aware of them. When you see yourself engaging in one, stop and remind yourself that you can do something different. But if you need help overcoming your codependent behaviors or you’re not sure if you’re seeing codependent traits in yourself, consider working with a mental health professional who can help you figure things out and break free from these unhealthy patterns.
The caring and compassionate team at Anchor Light Couples and Family Therapy is here to guide you on your journey to self-care and emotional well-being. Schedule a free consultation today and start your journey to better mental health.
