Self-sabotage is when you set a goal or intention but do everything possible to stop yourself from achieving it. While there may be times you realize you’re sabotaging yourself, that’s not always the case. You may engage in behaviors you know aren’t wise, like procrastinating, but can’t understand why you keep procrastinating.
Here’s how to tell when you’re self-sabotaging and what you can do to change it.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Sabotage means actively blocking, damaging, or preventing something from happening as intended. While it mainly applies to businesses (like sabotaging a product), self-sabotage applies to ourselves. When we actively block, damage, or prevent ourselves from accomplishing something good or achieving our goals, we’re engaging in self-sabotaging behavior.
Ultimately, self-sabotage is a mismatch between what we say we want and what we do to get it. For example, you say you want a promotion and to advance in your field, but don’t do things to make your boss think you’re serious. Instead of turning projects in on time, you’re always late. They offer to send you to continuing education, but you never go. When you’re given feedback, you never incorporate it into the next assignment.
Why Do We Sabotage Ourselves?
There are lots of reasons why people engage in self-defeating behaviors.
For example, some people enjoy setting goals. They like the process of planning, looking toward the future, and creating tasks and due dates. But when it comes time to execute, they don’t because they’re afraid of failing or the end goal isn’t really what they want to achieve.
Self-sabotage can also be a trauma response. For example, you may not have had a lot of control during your childhood or in certain relationships. As maladaptive as it is, self-sabotaging behaviors, like picking fights or withdrawing, give you a degree of control over your situation, and that feels better to you.
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15 Signs of Self-Sabotage
How do you know if you’re self-sabotaging? Here are 15 signs of self-sabotage and behaviors that indicate you’re derailing yourself.
1. Fear of Failure
When you fear failure, you may self-sabotage so you can’t fail. If you don’t attempt something, you’ll never be unsuccessful, and, in some ways, that makes you feel successful. Likewise, when something is going well, you may self-sabotage because you may think there’s no way things are going to keep going so well, so you consciously or unconsciously sabotage it.
2. Fear of Taking Risks
On a related note, fear of taking risks is another form of self-sabotage.
No one is required to take risks. After all, some risks are too risky — like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute — and never taking risks means you’ll never fail. But it also means you’ll miss out on new opportunities to learn and grow.
3. Procrastination
Procrastination and overthinking are also self-sabotaging patterns. When you wait for things to be “just right” before pulling the trigger or keep revising something because it “isn’t ready yet,” you set the stage to never start or finish, which means you may never get things done.
4. Always Saying “Yes” to Everyone
The inability to say no to others often stems from a fear of rejection or disappointing others. It may be that your self-worth depends on what you do for others and their opinion of you or because you want to avoid conflict. But saying yes to others often means saying no to yourself because, in the end, there’s no space for you to do the things you want to.
5. Inability to Admit Mistakes or Errors
All too often, people believe that admitting they are wrong shows weakness or ineptness. The danger is that it can force you to defend poor choices even when you know you have made a mistake, which can lead to blaming and finger-pointing.
6. Having Unrealistic Expectations
Unrealistic expectations can leave you feeling constantly let down and frustrated. High expectations might make you feel like nothing ever goes as planned, and low expectations can lead to giving up before you even start. Fixating on a specific outcome in every situation we encounter is bound to leave us disappointed.
7. Self-Criticism
Judgment helps us discern what is safe and appropriate and what isn’t. However, too much judgment is a self-sabotaging behavior. Criticizing yourself leads to low self-esteem, self-doubt, anxiety, and stress, which can prevent us from acting.
8. Comparing Yourself to Others
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion, but the outcome will always result in negative emotions. Constant comparison to others makes you feel bad and puts the focus on someone else and what you don’t have or don’t think you are.
9. Self-Medicating
It doesn’t matter what your drug of choice is — cupcakes, wine, shopping, and there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a sweet treat or cocktail. But when you’re doing it to avoid unpleasant feelings, you’re sabotaging yourself.
10. Perfectionism
It’s great to strive and do your best, but “perfect” is an unattainable goal. Pursuing perfection can be punishing, and an exaggerated fear of making a mistake can cause stress and anxiety. It could also lead to you hiding mistakes you could learn from.
11. Accepting People’s Advice Without Question
Many well-intentioned people want to see you succeed and are more than willing to give you advice. But in the end, you must determine what needs to happen for you to live the life that is most fulfilling to you. Just because a corporate job or children were right for Aunt Sally doesn’t mean they’re right for you.
12. Negative Self-Talk
What you focus on grows. Too much time spent on the negative just creates more negative. And even if there are reasons to feel positive, you won’t be able to see or experience them. When you tell yourself you can’t do anything right or are so bad at something, you’re self-sabotaging.
13. Walking Away
Sometimes, leaving a situation that isn’t working is the best solution. There’s no reason to stay in a bad relationship or a toxic job. But if you find yourself walking away from everything the second there’s a minor snag or you experience uncomfortable feelings, you may be self-sabotaging.
14. Picking Fights
Another way we self-sabotage is by picking fights. Whether we start it or lash out when someone gives us a valid criticism that hurts our self-confidence, we may be passive-aggressive, snarky, or “forget” to do something we said we would. It’s a defense mechanism that does more harm than good because not only do we hurt ourselves, we hurt others.
15. Avoiding Feedback
Feedback, even negative feedback, helps us grow. Avoiding any and all feedback deprives us of professional and personal growth.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging
If you’ve noticed yourself engaging in some or all of these self-sabotaging behaviors, you’ve taken the first step toward overcoming them. Here’s how to take the next steps and overcome self-sabotage.
Recognize Your Patterns
The first step to stop self-sabotaging is by recognizing when you’re doing it. Do you always wait until the last minute to start a project? Find yourself always saying yes to others? Start paying closer attention to what you do and when you do it, and you’ll start recognizing the negative patterns you engage in.
Identify Your Triggers
Once you recognize your self-sabotaging behaviors, try to figure out why you do them. For example, if you always avoid criticism, why do you do that? Are you afraid of hearing you did it wrong and have to start over? That you’ll get fired? Once you know why you act as you do, you’ll be better able to stop when you’re self-sabotaging and try a different approach.
Embrace Failure
Often, we self-sabotage because we’re afraid of failing. Rejection from a job, romantic partner, or even having an idea voted down is scary and hurts. It’s normal to feel that way when you’ve invested your time and energy into something, but it’s also a part of living. Learn how to embrace failure by recognizing it’s a chance to learn and grow.
Develop Self Compassion
Changing any behavior takes time, and while you’re learning to break free from self-sabotage, you will have missteps, and that’s OK. In addition to embracing your failures, give yourself a break. Often, our inner critic is our own worst enemy, and we judge ourselves hardest for failing, leading to self-sabotaging thoughts. Forgive yourself when you backslide, then keep going.
Work With a Professional
Finally, you may need some professional assistance to overcome your self-sabotage. A trained professional can help you identify your negative behaviors, come up with strategies for you to overcome them, and give you the compassionate support you need to achieve lasting change.
Learn to Thrive
You may be happy and content but feel like you’re missing something. Likewise, you may feel like nothing ever works out, no matter what you do. While circumstances play a role, you may need to examine your behavior and see if you’re sabotaging yourself. You may not even realize the harm you’re causing, but identifying your behaviors and actively changing them can help you thrive.
If you’ve determined you’re sabotaging yourself, think you might be, or want some help overcoming self-defeating behaviors, the therapists at Anchor Light Collective can help. Our compassionate team of licensed therapists can give you the tools and support you need to live the life you want. Contact us today to schedule a free consultation.
