You probably have several types of relationships in your life and can easily describe what they are and what they mean to you. For example, if you’re married, you might say you have a husband, wife, or spouse and are in love with them. You might describe your friendships as close, casual, or even “besties.”And you could probably explain how connected you feel within each of these relationships. You might say your spouse is the person you trust the most, while your best friend is someone you can talk to when you’re angry with your spouse.
A queer plantonic relationship shares many of these same characteristics. You have a close relationship with someone you love, trust, and can confide in, and you often have strong feelings about this person. However, queer platonic relationships are also different from marriage and other romantic relationships and aren’t the same as your typical friendship.
Defining Queerplatonic Relationships
Queerplatonic relationships (QPR) are somewhere between a friendship and a romantic relationship.
In queerplatonic relationships, the partners — and there can be more than one partner in a QPR — are in a committed and intimate relationship. The parties have the same emotional closeness, intimacy, and trust they might experience with romantic partners but generally don’t feel romantic love or sexual attraction to each other.
Queerplatonic relationships also differ from close friendships and other types of platonic relationships in that the participants don’t view one another as a romantic partner or even potential romantic partner despite the queerplatonic relationship being one of the most significant relationships in their lives.
How Are Platonic and Romantic Relationships Different From QPRs?
While platonic relationships can be exclusive and committed, they don’t necessarily evolve into romantic or sexual ones. This is one of the key distinctions between romantic and platonic relationships. Romantic relationships include physical closeness that’s often sexual or involves romantic feelings. Platonic relationships can be just as emotionally intimate but lack the physical or romantic aspect.
Historical Examples of Queerplatonic Partnerships and Relationships
Though s.e. Smith is often credited with coining the term “queerplatonic” in 2010 to describe these non-romantic relationships, language describing QPRs has existed for thousands of years. For example, the ancient Greeks had eight types of love, including eros (desire), philia (friendship), and pragma (love that’s practical and committed).
During the late 19th century, some people used “romantic friendship” to describe relationships that were physically close but not believed to be sexual. These people held hands, cuddled, and may have even shared a bed but were never considered “in love.”
“Boston marriage” was used in the 1800s to describe a formal partnership between two wealthy women. While it’s possible some of these relationships were romantic, many were born out of necessity, like living together for financial or safety reasons.
In modern times, the term became popular in the LGBTQIA+, aromantic, and asexual communities to describe the deep emotional connections and commitment people can feel for each other without having romantic ones.
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What Are the Benefits of Queerplatonic Partnerships?
One of the main advantages of a queerplatonic partnership (QPP) is that they often have the same level of intimacy, commitment, and community many partners experience in a romantic relationship, without some of the pressures or expectations that can accompany a romantic partnership, like certain types of physical contact.
For example, some queerplatonic partners live in the same house, allowing them to share expenses, household chores, and possibly co-parent children. But in a queerplatonic partnership, there’s more intimacy, commitment, and community compared to being roommates or best friends.
What Are Some of the Challenges of Queerplatonic Relationships?
Despite QPRs and QPPs existing for centuries, these kinds of relationships often face challenges, doubts, and disbelief. This is often due to the deeply rooted notion that romantic partnerships are the “best” kind of relationship for everyone, and QPRs suggest that it’s possible to be in a healthy, committed relationship without a romantic connection. Finding other people in QPRs and surrounding yourself with people who support your relationship will help you and your partner feel loved and accepted.
Being in a queerplatonic relationship can also be somewhat challenging. Similar to open relationships, some QPRs involve more than one person. And it is possible to be in a QPR with one person and have romantic feelings for someone outside the QPR. As is true in any relationship, open and honest communication about your expectations and boundaries will help everyone navigate concerns and build a healthy relationship.
How to Build and Maintain a Queerplatonic Relationship
While every QPR is unique based on who’s in the relationship, they tend to have the following characteristics:
- Share a deep emotional intimacy
- Are each other’s go-to person
- Fond of each other without romantic feelings
- Committed to each other
- Generally do not feel sexual or physical attraction
Most QPRs are created intentionally, meaning they don’t “just happen” because they prioritize emotional intimacy and connection. This requires open and honest communication about needs, expectations, and boundaries to build mutual trust and respect.
What Do People Call Each Other in a QPR?
Most people know what to call each other in romantic relationships: boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, or partner. Even platonic relationships have titles, like best friend or buddy. So, what do queerplatonic partners call each other?
While there are no standard definitions, some examples are:
- Platonic partner or platonic life partner
- Zucchini
- Plushie
- Sweetie or sweetheart
- Marshmallow friend or mallow friend
Is There Any Physical Intimacy in a QPR?
In short, it depends. Some QPRs are more physically intimate than others, with hugging and kissing (or more) being the norm. Other QPRs are less physical. Communication is vital when it comes to any aspect of any relationship, though, so if you’re in a QPR and would like to be more or less physical, talk to your partner about your wants, needs, and boundaries.
