When you decided to have a family, you imagined wonderful days when your children were best friends. However, sibling rivalry has entered your home, and when the kids fight, the tension affects everyone.
The good news is you’re not alone. Sibling feuds are very common and have a range of causes. Recognizing the problem is a great first step in changing the family dynamic to build more cohesive and harmonious sibling relationships.
What Is Sibling Rivalry?
Occasional tension, disagreements, and friction between siblings are normal. Sibling rivalry describes a prolonged or chronic dynamic between children that includes ongoing conflict resulting in:
- Competition
- Arguing
- Fighting
- Jealousy
Sibling rivalry develops in children in the same blood family, as well as children related by marriage, adoption, and legal guardianship. You can discern what is normal and unhealthy by looking at the overall balance of the relationship and how often your kids fight. If the scales tip more in favor of negative interactions, the relationship is most likely based on rivalry.
Sibling rivalry happens most often between children of the same gender or close in age but also begins as soon as a new baby arrives. A rivalry may also develop if one child is exceptionally gifted in some way.
From the time they are infants until their late teens, children need a healthy environment to grow, evolve, and define their unique personalities. Sibling rivalry disrupts this process by introducing unhealthy factors that hurt your child, as well as your entire family.
Sibling rivalry may be subtle, but there are key aspects of a sibling rivalry dynamic that make it clear this is not a typical kids’ fight:
- Playtime often erupts into arguments about who gets the favored toy
- Your older child is sitting quietly next to your newborn when they suddenly push the newborn away and say they wish the baby would leave
- Your children often engage in “win-lose” arguments rather than compromise
- Your blood children “gang up” on the new stepchild
How Does Sibling Rivalry Affect a Child?
Sibling rivalry affects children in every area of life, including personal identity, role within the family, performance, and relationships. Sibling rivalry can also significantly impact your family dynamics and home life. In severe cases, the underlying frustration, anger, and discouragement may erupt into aggressive behavior and violence.
Parents experience high levels of stress while managing the arguments, fights, and discontent between siblings, and some parents may even subconsciously choose a favorite child to find peace and calm. Adults who experienced sibling rivalry find personal and professional relationships difficult to manage, as there is always a sense of competition and unmet needs.
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Causes & Examples of Sibling Rivalry
There are many reasons why sibling rivalry develops. Some are obvious, such as favoritism, while others lie below the surface, such as hunger and illness. Here are the 10 most common causes of sibling rivalry.
1. Major Life Changes
Life changes can create stress and create uncertainty. In children, these feelings may manifest as anger, resentment, and frustration as they try to stabilize their role in the family. Often, these feelings are expressed through unhealthy behavior toward siblings. Some examples of life changes that can cause sibling rivalry are:
- New sibling
- Blending families
- Adoption
- Relocation
- Starting at a new school
- Divorce
- Losing a close friend or relative
Example:
Your new stepchildren move into your home. Your older child tries to spend time with you, but you’re focused on making sure your stepchildren feel comfortable. Out of frustration, your child starts taking toys from the new toddler. When you ask why he does that, he says he wishes the step-siblings would leave because they cause so many problems.
2. Individual Traits of Children
Sibling rivalry tends to form between children who are close in age, have individual temperaments, and are at different levels of development. Preschoolers are just learning social skills and often struggle with finding a healthy level of assertiveness. Elementary school children tend to focus on fairness, and teenagers are becoming independent and want to do their own thing. All of these stages bring about emotions your kids may not understand, and rivalries may erupt as they try to manage it all.
Example:
You bought a new laptop for your 14-year-old daughter to use at school, and your 7-year-old son wants one, too. You explain that when he is older, he will get a laptop. One day, your daughter tells you that her laptop is missing. You find out that your son took it from her room so he could play games with his friends.
3. Special Needs
Parents struggle to find balance as special needs children require intensive care and attention. From the perspective of your other children, there is a disparity in the quality or quantity of attention they receive. Out of fear or frustration, your other children may develop a rivalry with each other or the child with special needs.
Example:
Your preschooler is diagnosed with a cognitive disability that requires time to provide intensive life skills support. Your 7-year-old daughter notices you aren’t spending as much time with her and sees you spending more time with your preschooler. She is frightened and doesn’t understand what’s behind the changes in your home. One day, you find her fighting with your preschooler because they both want the same toy.
4. Lack of Modeling
Studies show that children are more likely to be jealous of their siblings in homes where the parents manage conflict in unhealthy and aggressive ways. The rivalries are more common where conflicts transform into aggression and a “win-lose” outcome. Culture can also play a role in what children learn about conflict resolution, such as those that disregard the needs of one particular gender.
Example:
When you spend time together as a family, your teenage son always puts down his little sister. Even the smallest requests from her are met with rude and disparaging comments. When she tries to speak, he tells her to shut up. She tends to avoid him, but he always finds a way to make her feel uncomfortable.
5. Lack of Structure
Structure helps provide the certainty that children need to feel safe and stable. Defining clear and consistent routines, consequences, rules, and expectations can be one of the biggest challenges of being a parent, especially if you have two or more kids with diverse personalities. A lack of structure creates anxiety, which can contribute to sibling conflicts. Children may display behaviors that reflect a sense of unfairness, frustration, unmet needs, and other important elements of growth and development.
Example:
To maintain a harmonious household, your teenage daughter bosses around her younger siblings. You often thank her for the help and allow her to bend the rules occasionally. Your other child notices the praise your teenager receives and starts doing the same with her younger siblings. When she doesn’t receive the same praise, she picks a fight with your teenage daughter.
6. Parental Stress
Chronic stress causes a range of physical and emotional symptoms. No matter how much you try to protect your children from the effects, they pick up on the subtlest signs and changes. As you try to manage life to the best of your ability, you may spend what time you can with each of your kids, but they will notice any imbalances. Being spread too thin makes you lose balance, and your children notice.
Example:
You are moving your parents into an assisted living facility and are overwhelmed with managing their physical, emotional, and financial well-being. Because your toddler is still learning to walk, you spend a lot of time with him. When your teenage daughter tries to talk with you, exhaustion takes over. One day, you overhear your teenager telling her baby brother that she is smarter than him because he can’t even walk yet.
7. Attention Imbalance
In a child’s world, parental attention, including one-on-one attention, is an important part of identity development, self-esteem, and certainty in life. When parents don’t provide it, children compete with their siblings to get the attention they want and need. They may seek more positive attention or resort to behaviors that result in negative attention. In families with more than two children, the older children may form a type of alliance and behave negatively towards the younger children.
Example:
You are a single parent with two full-time jobs and four children. Your youngest child is having a hard time in school, so you spend the evenings doing homework together. One night, your babysitter tells you that the three older children started a fight with the youngest child over what movie to watch. They taunted her, saying that her favorite cartoons are for babies.
8. Poor Problem-Solving and Conflict Resolution Skills
Children absorb information and learn how to interact with the world from the people around them. Problem-solving effectively resolving conflicts are two important skills that help your child well into adulthood. When parents don’t listen to their children’s concerns or help them work through problems, it can lead to low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, pent-up frustration, anger, and other issues. Rivalry evolves when children express these emotions and a sense of powerlessness through behaviors with their siblings.
Example:
Your teenage son is having problems with a child at school, and he tries to talk without you about it on several occasions. You were brought up in a home where problems were not discussed, and you tell him just to ignore the other kid. A few days later, your two children disagree. Rather than work it out, they are yelling at each other and name calling.
9. Family Dynamics
The dynamics of a family are the patterns of behavior that govern the relationships between parents and children, as well as among siblings. It involves roles, responsibilities, privileges, and other aspects of feeling safe and secure. Children who are treated differently than their siblings may feel that their needs are not being met, and this works as a catalyst for rivalry with a brother or sister. The differences in treatment and attention may be situational, such as having a child with a chronic health condition, or they may be based on other factors, such as over-attachment or personality traits that are shared between parents and one child.
Example:
Three of your children enjoy your interests, and you spend a great deal of time with them. Your fourth child doesn’t enjoy the same interests, and she tends to play alone when she is at home. When it’s time for bed, your three children are allowed to stay up late to complete a craft project, while your fourth child is required to go to bed on time. She fights with the other kids, calling them names and making hurtful comments.
10. Parenting Style
Most people don’t consciously choose a parenting style. Instead, parents tend to go with what feels natural and right. Some parenting styles contribute to an environment that stimulates sibling rivalry among brothers and sisters, such as:
- Showing favoritism
- Being controlling
- Lacking interest
- Comparing your children
- Encouraging siblings to compete with each other.
- Even something as innocent as labeling a child based on positive traits can be enough to start a sibling rivalry.
Example:
Your 5-year-old just started kindergarten, and she is very excited at the end of the day. You listen intently as she describes her experiences with joy and happiness. When your second child starts telling you about his day, you start making dinner and only nod occasionally. He develops resentment for the undivided attention that his sister gets every day, and he belittles her and calls her names.
How to Deal with Sibling Conflict When It Arises
Sibling rivalry is an opportunity for your children to grow in their identities and relationship skills. It is best to stay calm and see if your children can work it out on their own. The exception is when sibling rivalry gets violent. In these situations, intervene, let everyone calm down, and then discuss the matter with each child individually. Here are some strategies for dealing with sibling rivalry.
- Be Proactive: Sibling rivalry rarely resolves itself. Your children struggle with the same issues, so they cannot agree. Set aside time to teach children new skills, such as conflict resolution and compromise.
- Brainstorm and Problem Solve: Mediate to help identify the underlying causes of the conflict, then brainstorm about “win-win” solutions.
- Self-Inventory: Take some time to reflect on your interactions with your children. You may notice some behaviors that could increase sibling rivalry. Are you directly or indirectly promoting competition or favoritism? Do you give one child more or better attention than the other?
- Open Communication: If there has been a major life change in your home or if you have a child with a developmental condition or chronic illness, communicate openly and honestly with all of your children. Explain the circumstances and let them know that you are there for them.
Healthy Family Dynamics Discourage Conflicts
Changing your family dynamics to reduce sibling rivalry doesn’t have to be complicated. Here are four things that not only help with rivalry but also encourage close relationships and fun.
1. Family Time
Set aside time to be together as a family unit. This can be as simple as family dinners without the television and mobile devices, or you can plan a day away from home. During family time, make sure that your parental attention is equally shared with all of your children.
2. Family Meetings
A family meeting may seem the same as family time, but the intention is different. These meetings are a chance for the family to come together and discuss any family issues. Take the role of a mediator to ensure that the time is productive and respectful. Depending on the developmental stages of your children, differences in ages, and other factors, you may need to employ different methods to manage sibling rivalry and engage everyone.
3. Highlight the Positives
Each of your children is a unique individual. Add a new family routine where you spend time with each child individually, letting them know how special and important they are to you. This not only helps to prevent sibling rivalry but also boosts a sense of personal identity.
4. Listen
When your children need to talk, listen. This is one of the most powerful and positive ways to give your children one-on-one time and learn more about their lives. Most times, you don’t need to give advice or tell them what to do. Just listen and be engaged to connect with your child.
Finding Family Peace
Creating a more peaceful and harmonious home life will take some time, patience, and an honest assessment of your family dynamics and parenting choices. If you’ve tried to manage sibling rivalry but your children fight constantly, the team at Anchor Light Therapy Collective can help.
Our skilled therapists can help you and your family identify the behaviors that may cause sibling rivalry and give you new strategies that create a more peaceful, supportive, and loving home. Contact us today to schedule a free consultation.
