Emotional Labor in Relationships

You’ve probably heard the term “emotional labor” and wondered what it meant or if it was impacting your relationship. Emotional labor is the unseen work people do to keep their relationship intact and healthy. That kind of work is a normal part of a relationship, like planning a vacation for you and your partner or cooking dinner.

But emotional labor can negatively impact your relationship when one of you does most, if not all, of the emotional work. It can create distance, anger, and disconnection, especially when you either can’t talk about what’s happening or don’t know what’s going on.

So, what is emotional labor? How does it start, and, more importantly, what can you do when it’s impacting your relationship?

What Is Emotional Labor?

The term “emotional labor” was coined by sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild to describe how people manage their emotions in the workplace. In a nutshell, emotional labor means you don’t show your true emotions (like when you’re angry or frustrated) and instead “show” the emotions you need to (like happiness and satisfaction) to meet the expectations of your job and the business. While it generally applies to people in service roles, it can apply to anyone in any role and can happen in two ways.

First, there’s surface acting, where you pretend to feel a certain way. On the outside, you’re smiling and happy, but on the inside, you’re less than thrilled. The second way is deep acting. That’s when you actively change your internal feelings to match the job. An example might be when a patient bleeds on a nurse. They might not be thrilled about what’s happened, but tell themselves it’s part of the job and a noble mission.

What’s critical in both these instances is that the employee is managing the emotional needs of others. Instead of telling a customer they’re out of line, the employee smiles because “the customer is always right.” The nurse may be sympathetic to the patient’s situation and understand that it was an accident, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’re in stained scrubs.

What Is Emotional Labor in a Relationship?

Over time, the term emotional labor expanded beyond how it plays out in the workplace. Emotional labor is now used to describe the invisible work that happens in a relationship to keep it functioning. Often, though, it’s one-sided. with only one partner doing a majority, if not all, of the work to keep the relationship running smoothly. Over time, this can lead to the partner doing the work feeling resentful, unappreciated, and stressed out.

What Does Emotional Labor in a Relationship Look Like?

Because os much emotional labor is invisible, it’s hard to recognize when either you or your partner is doing it. What may feel normal or “just part of our relationship” to you may actually be that unseen work. Emotional labor can look like:

• Planning all the date nights, anniversaries, and birthdays
• Always being the one to keep the peace in the relationship, whether that’s smoothing things over after a fight or apologizing first.
• Suppressing your feelings to avoid triggering your partner
• Keeping up with friends, family, and neighbors to maintain close ties
• Remembering all the little things, like the argument your partner had with their boss six months ago

What Emotional Labor in a Relationship Feels Like

Invisible or not, carrying all of the emotional weight in a relationship can take a toll, sometimes in unexpected ways. For example, if you’ve stopped talking to your partner about household tasks that seem minor, like grocery shopping or picking up a card for someone’s birthday, that’s a sign you may be carrying a lot of the load.

Emotional labor can feel like:

• Exhaustion. Because you’re always managing the emotional aspects of the relationship, you never really have a chance to relax.
• Resentment. You feel more like a parent than a partner, which can make you feel unappreciated or lonely.
• Walking on eggshells. You watch what you say, and when you say it, so your partner doesn’t become defensive or lash out.

How Emotional Labor Impacts a Relationship

When one person does all the emotional labor in a relationship, it starts to feel less like a partnership and more like a one-way street. One person does all the giving and the other all the taking, which can lead to an unbalanced relationship that creates emotional distance between you and your partner.

Worse, when one partner tries to speak up, but nothing changes, the person carrying the emotional weight and doing the labor may stop discussing it. The other partner thinks everything is fine, but in reality, communication has shut down, which creates more distance.

Why Does Emotional Labor Become Unbalanced in a Relationship?

In general, relationships don’t start emotionally unbalanced. Each partner does nice things for each other (even when it’s not exactly their love language), helping out when necessary, and sharing the load. But, over time, roles can change, and sometimes, one person takes on more of the emotional labor than the other.

For example, when one partner travels a lot for work, they may not be able to take on some of the household tasks, like making doctor’s appointments for the kids or signing the permission slips before they’re due. The partner who doesn’t travel takes these tasks on because they are at home and are able to keep track of what’s due when.

As the children grow, the at-home partner takes on more of this emotional labor, managing carpools, planning summer schedules, and so on. But when the traveling partner doesn’t travel as much or gets a job that has them at home every night, they may not take on these tasks, either because they don’t know they exist or they don’t know where to start.

While the tasks were initially divided in a way that made sense (one person traveled, the other didn’t), that division didn’t change even when the situation did. Now the tasks are unbalanced, with one person taking on the majority of this work.

How Gender Impacts Emotional Labor

When we talk about one partner carrying the majority of the emotional labor in a relationship, we’re often talking about heterosexual couples where these tasks fall on the woman. Very little clinical research exists to explain why this happens, but there are some theories why women often end up doing or feel like they’re doing most of the emotional labor in their relationship:

• Gender roles. Girls are often taught to maintain friendships, nurture relationships, and repair conflicts more than boys.
• Traditional gender views. For some, emotional labor is associated with femininity. Women engage in the emotional work because it’s what they’re “supposed” to do, while men avoid it because it’s “women’s work.”
• Emotional competence. While not inherent, some women are better at regulating the emotions of others because they get more practice while they’re growing up.

To be clear, this imbalance can happen in any couple. However, some research indicates lesbian couples are far better at splitting the emotional labor in a relationship. Researchers found that lesbian couples report doing a lot of emotional labor, but that work tends to be far more equally divided between them. Both partners reported:

• Being very in tune emotionally with their partner and actively monitoring each other’s emotions
• Initiating conversations equally
• Maintaining emotional closeness

But the same study found that about 60% of women in heterosexual couples reported carrying most of this work themselves.

While there’s some research that also indicates gay couples are better at splitting emotional labor than heterosexual couples, it’s not nearly as extensive as for lesbian couples.

How to Share the Emotional Labor in Your Relationship

If you feel like you’re doing all the emotional labor in your relationship and it’s become too much, you can break the cycle. It starts by setting and keeping healthy boundaries, but goes beyond simply saying “no.”

Communicate

Like any relationship difficulty, you can’t address something unless both partners know it’s an issue. If it feels like you’re doing all the emotional labor, let your partner know. They may not realize that’s what’s happening!

Make sure you’re specific about where you need the help. For example, instead of saying, “I need more help around the house,” say, “I need you to empty the dishwasher and do the grocery shopping.”

Don’t Over Anticipate

Many people who do the emotional labor try to stop conflict before it starts. If your partner comes home in a bad mood, you won’t mention that they forgot to take out the trash or even do it yourself to avoid a fight. If that bad mood persists and they snap at you over dinner, you ignore it or cuddle with them on the couch after dinner despite being upset.

Instead of avoiding the conflict or trying to handle a task that isn’t yours to handle, let things happen as they may. If your partner needs to take out the trash, mention it and address any outburst, even in the moment or when your partner is calmer.

Get Comfortable With Discomfort

Sometimes one partner gets “stuck” with the emotional labor because they aren’t willing to let things slide. For example, if you’re going to a birthday party, you may decide to get the gift yourself despite being too busy because you don’t trust your partner to pick out something appropriate or to even complete the task.

But allowing your partner to be in charge of getting a present and accepting the consequences that come with failure is an important part of rebalancing the emotional labor in your relationship.

Ask More Questions

If you think your partner is carrying a lot of the emotional labor in your relationship, ask them how they’re feeling. You may be surprised to learn that the household runs so smoothly because your partner handles just about everything.

Then ask how you can pick up some of the load. Be specific, though. If you can’t handle organizing a whole vacation, say so, then offer to do some of the tasks, like booking restaurant reservations or picking out the hotel.

Find More Balance

More often than not, emotional labor in a relationship becomes imbalanced without either partner realizing it. Over time, resentment starts to bubble to the surface, impacting how you feel about your partner. And if it’s never addressed, it can create emotional distance and a disconnection that can be hard to recover from.

If it feels like you’re carrying all of the emotional burdens in your relationship, you’ve tried rebalancing the emotional tasks, and it doesn’t feel like it’s working, or you aren’t sure where to start, we can help. The caring, compassionate team of therapists at Anchor Light Therapy can help. Schedule a free consultation today and connect with a couples therapist who will listen to both of you and help you find a path to healing.

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