Once you’ve committed to couples therapy, you may think that all you have left to do is find a therapist you like. While that connection is important to your success, the method the therapist uses during your sessions is just as important. These methods are known as modalities, and while they all have the same goal, they achieve them differently.
Two such modalities are the Gottman Method and Relational Life Therapy. Both seek to help couples strengthen their relationship and deepen their emotional intimacy, but they go about it in very different ways.
What Is Relational Life Therapy?
Relational Life Therapy (RLT) is a direct approach to couples therapy. During sessions, couples learn how to identify the coping strategies (like withdrawing or people pleasing) they’ve developed to keep themselves safe. They then work on moving away from these strategies and connecting with each other on a deep emotional level.
Unlike most therapy modalities, RLT is a focused and active approach to couples counseling. When a therapist recognizes one partner using an unhealthy coping strategy, they actively name that behavior and hold the client accountable for it, encouraging them to acknowledge what’s happening and adjust their response.
What Is the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method is an evidence-based couples therapy modality based on over 40 years of relationship research. Couples learn how to build a relationship that’s based on trust, connection, and shared meaning.
Much of the work involved building what’s known as the Sound Relationship House. These are the behaviors and practices that keep a relationship strong and functional. Couples learn how to build their Relationship House by deepening their friendship, developing mutual respect, and fostering a healthy emotional connection. Together, they learn how to handle and de-escalate conflicts before they become damaging.
Should We Go to Couples Counseling Quiz
This quiz is designed to help you and your partner reflect on your relationship and gain clarity about whether couples counseling might be a helpful next step. There are no right or wrong answers — only honest ones.
Take this quiz individually, then compare your answers. Noticing where your perceptions differ can itself be a powerful conversation starter.
This quiz is for informational purposes only and is not a diagnostic tool. It can help you reflect on whether individual therapy might be beneficial for you. For a professional assessment, please schedule a consultation with one of our therapists.
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How Are RLT and Gottman Method Therapies Similar?
Relational Life therapy and Gottman Method therapies both strive to help couples:
- Stop the behaviors that create a toxic and negative feedback loop that seems impossible to escape
- Develop and use practical communication skills that foster empathy and understanding
- Create deep emotional connections and shared experiences
Both modalities provide couples with practical, concrete tools that they can use in therapy and at-home. For example, RLT and Gottman Method help couples learn to identify when they’re in conflict and how to de-escalate it quickly without dismissing each other’s feelings. And both modalities emphasize building and strengthening the core of the relationship, helping couples develop empathy and respect with one another to create the emotional intimacy and safety they need as individuals and a couple.
What Is the Difference Between Gottman and RLT?
The Gottman Method is a structured modality that relies on assessments and homework to help couples identify the behaviors they want to change and to practice the skills they’ll need going forward. It teaches practical techniques for couples to improve their communication and manage conflict to create a stable, lasting relationship.
It also relies on talk therapy for parts of the session. During that time, your therapist may watch as you and your partner discuss a difficult topic, merely observing and offering no feedback or advice unless specifically prompted. They may ask open-ended or reflective questions about what you’re experiencing in the moment, but not prompt you to discuss it any further. They may wait until the end of the session to review what’s happened and give you homework designed to change a behavior or reaction.
Relational Life Therapy is more active. Each session focuses on how you’re behaving in the moment, with your therapist actively naming the negative behaviors they observe and prodding you to think about your response and change it in the moment.
This direct approach helps you identify what’s impacting your relationship as it’s happening. With time, you and your partner learn how to explore your pasts with each other, identifying the underlying issues that impact you and your relationship, allowing you to understand each other more deeply.
Gottman Method vs RLT for Couples Counseling
Both Gottman Method couples therapy and RLT can help strengthen and improve your relationship. However, each modality is better suited for certain individuals and couples.
The Gottman Method is better for couples who are looking for concrete tools and solutions that can help them improve their communication and conflict management skills. Almost every therapy session will include homework and exercises for the week that help you sharpen these skills and build a more meaningful connection.
Relational life therapy is better for couples who feel or even know they are engaging in toxic patterns that they can’t seem to get away from. People who like or need clear and direct intervention may prefer this modality over one that emphasizes talk therapy and reflective questions. That said, even if RLT sounds like a good fit for you, it’s not for everyone, particularly when one or both partners are unable to accept direct feedback about their behavior.
Couples Therapy Across Modalities
Every couple brings a unique set of individuals and dynamics to therapy. In many cases, couples blend different aspects of several modalities into their therapy sessions to achieve maximum results. However, that’s not always the case for RLT. Some people may find the direct approach too direct and would be better served by another type of couples counseling.
No matter what therapy modality you’re considering or where you are in your relationship, the compassionate team of therapists at Anchor Light Therapy can support you and your partner. Our Gottman Method and RLT therapists will work with both of you to help you heal and strengthen your relationship for now and into the future.
